


Statuesque

by rozabellalove



Category: Supernatural RPF
Genre: Abuse, Character Death, Domestic Violence, Hurt/Comfort, M/M
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2011-08-11
Updated: 2011-08-11
Packaged: 2017-10-22 12:56:51
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: Graphic Depictions Of Violence, Rape/Non-Con
Chapters: 1
Words: 24,662
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/238239
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/rozabellalove/pseuds/rozabellalove
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Jensen’s a sculptor with a bit of an attitude problem who likes to keep himself to himself, Jared is a part time model. Jensen has been through some rough times with an ex and Jared helps him to move on.</p>
            </blockquote>





	Statuesque

The agency had sent over thirteen of them so far. Dumb, beautiful models with gorgeous bodies and vacant eyes. They were confident, some even arrogant, but distant and uninterested in the work. They posed for him and flirted coyly but the spark just wasn't there and they'd all left without the commission. It was Tuesday, almost the end of the second day of castings, there was one more guy to see this afternoon and he just knew he'd have to start all over again tomorrow. Jensen was hopeful that maybe the last one would be different, or maybe he could get over his fucking artistic perfection and just pick a damn model. Any one of them would do really, it's not like he was going to be using their face that much anyway, all he really needed was a decent torso and that would be good enough. That would be fine.

So as the last model of the day strutted in and slung his bag on the floor with a wide grin Jensen prepared to suck it up and just give the guy the job as long as he looked passable with his shirt off. The view from behind the casting table was certainly promising but he just couldn't do it. The model - Sean, Shane? - just wasn't right for this project, too pretty, too vacuous. Jensen sighed and began to pack up his shit, "Thank you, that was good. We'll call if you were successful. Thanks for coming in." He bullshitted the model out of the door and flipped open his phone on the way to the car.

"Misha, what the fuck was that today?"

"Mr. Ackles, I'm sorry but I'm not sure what you're talking about." Misha was always polite but Jensen could hear the amusement in his voice.

"Come on, Misha, we've been working together for two years now, call me Jensen."

"Okay, Jensen, was there a problem today?" Jensen could hear from Misha's tone that he knew exactly what the problem was.

"Well, Mr. Collins, you knew what the brief was, why did you send me the most brainless troupe of himbos you could find today? Don't even get me started on yesterday's bunch, I'm surprised most of them could read the signs pointing out the audition room." Jensen was in a bad mood after the long day of searching for the right man for the job. He wasn't used to having to make inane conversation with so many people and he was close to just giving up on the whole thing. If it wasn't for the fact that he needed this project to go smoothly, needed to get his foot in the door with the well-off aging heiress that had commissioned the piece and her equally monied cronies, he'd be calling the whole thing off right now.

"Ah Jensen, there's no need to get worked up, I have a couple more for you to see tomorrow and I'm pretty certain you'll find your guy then." Jensen could still hear Misha's smile.

"I hope you're right, otherwise I'll be calling another agency." He wasn't really serious, he'd been working with Misha for years and he knew that tomorrow's final two would probably hold what he was looking for.

Misha left him with a "Trust me, Jensen" and a quiet chuckle.

Jensen drove home via his local pizza place and let himself in to the spacious apartment, balancing the pizza box and his folders precariously until he got inside. He flicked on the stereo and chose a low key rock album, setting down the food on the counter and shoving his folders behind the screens that shut off his work area from the living space. He relaxed into a slouchy armchair and pulled out a slice of pizza. Sighing again Jensen turned on the TV and allowed himself to switch off for the evening.

***

Jensen made his way to the studio the next day with his mind made up, one of the final two candidates would have to do. Unless they were physically sub-standard he would simply pick the best of the two and be done with it, he couldn't hold off starting the project much longer. He was early but one of the models was there already and so his day of making small talk with these vain strangers had begun. _Great, just great._

The model was unusual. Somewhat more interesting than the others he had seen so far, his attention was held by the guy from the first, a tall, Nordic looking blonde with wonderful shoulders and thick, long thighs. But as he removed his shirt for the casting polaroids Jensen realised he wasn't suitable at all, the tattoos adorning his upper body were beautifully drawn but they obscured the lines of his muscular chest. Jensen smiled at the guy and made conversation about where he'd had the work done. Today he didn't bother with the 'we'll call you' crap and gave it to him straight - he was sorry but this job required a clean canvas and the tattoos just wouldn't work. The model was understanding, he flicked a genuine smile in Jensen's direction, held out a head shot with his contact info emblazoned on the back and stepped backwards "Maybe the next project, huh?" he turned and walked out.

"Yeah, maybe." Jensen watched the model leave and wondered whether he could use him for anything else.

Shaking his head to clear the thoughts of the blonde's well-defined shoulders Jensen wandered into the hallway to call in the final model.

The last one had turned up on time too, he had long, thick, chocolate brown hair obscuring his face as Jensen spied him in the corridor. His head was buried in what looked like a Biology textbook and Jensen wondered cynically if this was a ploy to make himself seem more intelligent, to make himself stand out from the others. If it was then this already marked him out as being smarter than the rest. After all, they'd all relied on looks alone and it hadn't got them very far.

The model heard his approach and looked up, a little flustered as if caught unawares. He shoved the book into his big bag and slung it over his shoulder as he stood and reached out to shake hands, making eye contact with Jensen at the same time and giving a cautious grin. This one had a strong jawline, small mouth and a heavy brow, facially he was just the perfect mix of manly imperfections and youthful handsomeness.

Jensen was on the back foot. _Sure this guy looks like a model but hell, he's not one of those jaded pretty boys that have been prancing in here this week._ Jensen introduced himself and asked the model's name.

"Jay, uh Jared but everyone calls me Jay. Padalecki." He swept his hair back off his face and smiled shyly, Jensen noticed his charming dimples and caught himself starting to smile a little in response.

"Okay then Jay, come in."

Jensen watched him walk into the rented audition room and drop his bag on the floor. Jared turned with a questioning look on his face. Jensen started "Oh, yes, uh please can you take off your shirt." Now it was his turn to be flustered. The other models had simply started stripping as soon as they'd got in the room, they knew the drill. Perhaps this guy was new, it would explain why he was so different. He seemed untouched by the industry so far. Jensen looked away, then stupidly realised he had to look at the model, that was the whole point of the damn casting. He looked back to Jared and nodded, taking in the wide shoulders leading down to a slim waist, muscular arms and defined abs. "Very nice, uh, I mean very good." Jensen took a moment to compose himself and pretended to look in his folders. "Can you tell me a bit about your work experience so far, what sort of modelling have you done?"

Jared looked sideways and then down for just a second, then back up to meet Jensen's eyes. "I did some catalogue work when I was younger, a few shoots for local designers here more recently and I've started doing some TV ads too but it's mostly photo shoots." It sounded like there was something Jared wasn't saying in there but Jensen didn't probe too much.

"Right, and what type of work do you mainly do?"

"Well, I get a lot of underwear work."

"Mmhmm, okay." Jensen wasn't surprised looking at the body on this guy. "So are you a full time model, Jay?"

"Uh no, I'm a mature student but we got a few weeks off coming up and I work as many shoots as I can around college to make up my rent." Jared was worried that this would put Jensen off. Most of the castings he‘d done recently went well until he revealed that modelling wasn‘t his only commitment. He picked up his shirt ready to put it back on but Jensen lifted his hand.

"Wait a sec," Jensen was smiling "You're not done yet kid, sorry but could you remove your pants too? I know it seems kinda odd but if you get the job you'll be pretty much naked in my studio and I need to make sure you're okay all over."

The guy was more than okay. As he bent double to take off his pants and pretty much touched his toes Jensen wondered where he had seen that move before. Jared's smooth round cotton covered ass was perfectly displayed in front of him and his long tanned legs were slim but well toned. Before he could figure it out the model came back up and into a basic pose, then he slowly turned to give Jensen the full back view and walked a short imaginary runway up and back down the room.

"Alright, get your clothes back on then Jay."

Jared smiled stiffly, his lips a thin line, he nodded "Oh okay, yeah sure, well thanks for seeing me. 'preciate it." He pulled on his pants and reached for his shirt.

"Hey, wait now, I never said you had to leave. I mean you do for now, but I need your contact info." Jensen was amused at the guy's insecurity, for a model he sure didn't have the usual massive ego.

"Yeah? Uh, here's my head shot, my number's on the back, email too." Jared, now fully dressed, held out the black and white photo of his head and shoulders. His eyes looked out at the camera from under lifted brows, stubbly chin tilted down and a knowing grin on his face. It was a strange contrast to the shyly quiet guy in front of Jensen right now and he wondered if this was a front or if Jay really was as nervous as he seemed.

"Okay, well you're the last guy I'm seeing. I want to put you out of your misery, I'd like to offer you the job, if you're still interested?" Jensen held out his hand and Jared shook it enthusiastically.

"Aw hell yeah I am!" Jared grinned wide and Jensen saw the guy in the photo come to life in front of him.

"Great, look I'll send you my address details and a map to my apartment tonight, can you be there for 10am tomorrow?"

"Sure! Thanks, thank you so much. See you tomorrow!" Still smiling, the model left.

Jensen decided to call Misha later and give him hell for saving the best 'til last. Couldn't he have sent that guy on day one? Still he was a little apprehensive about letting a model into his apartment for the next couple of days, even his family barely got to spend any time there the last few years. He reminded himself of the commission the old girl was paying him and decided to suck it up. Besides, the friends he had left these days kept telling him he had to have some company from time to time, as hard as it was to let someone new into his sanctuary he returned home that night without too much of his usual trepidation.

***

At 9.55am Jensen was brewing his second pot of coffee for the day. He'd drunk the best part of a pot before it went cold and he was feeling a little jittery. Great, just what I need to calm my nerves, should have gone for the whisky instead. He jumped a little as the doorbell sounded and went to buzz in the model.

"Wow, your elevator opens straight into your apartment, it's - I like it. You must be good at what you do to make so much money." He looked around nervously as Jensen stepped towards him.

"Uh well, I-" Jensen wasn’t used to talking about himself too much.

"I'm sorry that was rude of me, talking about money with you like that." Jared looked at the floor and scrunched his eyes up tight, biting his lip "My mom keeps telling me not to get too personal with people I don't know but I just forget sometimes and I'm saying stuff without thinking - so, uh I guess what I'm trying to say is sorry, I'm really sorry."

Jensen laughed quietly "Okay buddy just calm down, you want a coffee?"

"Yes please, black no sugar."

Jensen handed the coffee to the model and took him on a quick tour of the apartment. Jared noticed the lack of family pictures, he would have commented on it but he'd already made such a fuck up in the first five minutes today that he decided to keep his mouth shut. This guy seemed real private and he probably wouldn't like Jared acting like a child and poking at things that should be left alone. He noticed one picture of a slightly older man, a rugged dark haired guy with smiling eyes, in a frame on Jensen's dresser. Jared fought the impulsive urge to ask who the guy was and instead looked around for signs of a girlfriend or partner when they got to the bathroom.

It was pretty clear by the time they got to Jensen's work space that he lived alone and that he had everything just the way he liked it, neat but stylish without too much fuss. By contrast Jensen's work area was a cluttered catastrophe of half finished paintings, photos, sketches and assorted equipment.

Jared idly wondered what had made Jensen choose art instead of being a model himself. There was certainly a lot of money to be made in the modelling industry and Jensen had more than the required looks for it, he was perfect. Jared’s agents would just eat up those soulful green eyes and short dirty blonde hair, not to mention the tiny freckles across his nose. He decided once again that he had better keep his mouth shut, he needed the money from this job more than he needed to satisfy his curiosity.

"Okay then Jay, do you need anything before we get started? Bathroom? More coffee?"

"No thanks, I'm good." Jared was smiling at him openly with an amused glint in his eyes. "I think I know where to find it if I need it though."

Jensen realised he was treating this guy like a child but the model was only two years younger than him. After so many years of living with Jeff he'd begun to feel like he was much older than he actually was. It wasn't that Jeff had been old as such, they'd just had more mature interests and yeah Jeff was a little older but only a matter of a few years. This guy was a like a shy puppy dog, curious and exuberant but a bit timid until he settled down. Jensen reminded himself not to treat the guy like a kid and gestured to the chaise longue.

"I need you to lie kinda sprawled out on here, with your head tilted back, you can keep your underwear on for today but tomorrow it'll be off."

"No problem." He removed his clothes quickly and arranged himself on the chaise. "Like this?" The model was instantly comfortable now that he was working, seeming to have no problem with being almost naked in someone else's apartment.

"Yeah sort of, but I need to see your face a little more, can you tilt your head forward a bit? Move that back leg further forward. Front leg needs to be down with your toes just skimming the floor. One hand on the side of the - yeah like that, other one across your waist, resting on your stomach. Okay, not quite, just let me - " Jensen came over to re-position him and check the lighting. As he made minute adjustments to Jared's positioning and moved the spotlights to highlight the contours of his body Jensen couldn't help but remember the last times he'd been with Jeff in this very apartment. The look of the model's skin, the downy hairs on his upper stomach leading to the thicker rougher trail between his abs. It had been a long time since Jensen was this close to another man.

Jensen stepped back and cleared his throat. "Okay, you're ready." He said gruffly. "Let's get this show on the road."

***

After seven hours of photographing Jared, re-arranging him, sketching him, re-arranging him over and over, Jensen was tired. Jared was still in a good mood but this was a much slower pace than his usual shoots and he was itching to get up and wander around a little. They had an hour left on the clock and Jensen was done for the day, Jared suggested they go grab a bite to eat and Jensen could tell him some more about the project he was working on.

As they settled into a booth at the Chinese on the corner Jared noticed that Jensen seemed almost nervous again, he wondered if there was anything he could do to put the guy at ease but wisely decided not to bring it up. Today was really a bit of a first for him. His family had been telling him for years not to just say whatever popped into his head for fear he would cause offence but it wasn’t until today with Jensen that he’d begun to think further than the next few words. He was great with books and learning, a natural at his chosen subjects but sometimes his enthusiasm ran away with him and he would talk and talk without worrying about the consequences.

Jensen visibly relaxed after the waitress left, she’d been commenting about how they hadn’t seen him for so long and asking where he‘d been. It was obvious that once upon a time Jensen had been a regular in here, Jared wondered why that had changed and why, if Jensen didn’t like the place anymore, hadn’t he said something when Jared suggested it? He decided to allow himself one question today and this would be it. “So, you come in here a lot then?”

Jensen looked at the menu “Not for a while, I used to come here with -- with a friend. My partner. But he --” Jensen paused. “He’s not around any more, so no, not so much anymore…”

Jared knew immediately that this was one of the times he should have kept his mouth shut. Still that answered more than a few questions he’d had. “I’m sorry, again. Me and my big mouth.”

Jensen gave a shrug and a quiet “Don’t worry about it.” before ducking back behind the menu again. One day he would share what had happened with Jeff but not today, not right now, it was still too fresh and far too painful.

 

Part 2

At the end of their second day together Jensen let Jared out of the apartment and sank down into a recliner. He was strangely disappointed that it was the weekend and he wouldn’t see the model again until Monday. He could have asked him to come in for one of the days but Jared had already told him he had plans, it seemed a little unfair to ask if he could come in just so Jensen could look at him some more. After all, if he wanted to work on the sculpture he had plenty of photos and sketches to use.

Jensen was used to being alone at home, after all, he’d barely had any visitors in the last few years, and he wasn’t one for going out a lot either these days. He’d tried a few times since Jeff but it just wasn’t the same on his own and he just wasn’t sure he was ready to meet someone else yet. Every time someone caught his interest it was the same thing, he’d start off cautiously and as soon as it started to go anywhere good the nightmares would start. He’d end things quick and clean before anyone got too hurt and retreat back to his sanctuary, throw himself into his work and use it to tune out the world.

Tonight he was regretting not letting one of the short-lived relationships become something more, he was lonely, a cuddled up movie-on-the-couch night would have been perfect. He knew exactly who he wanted to cuddle up with too but he didn‘t think it was going to happen. It was just a silly crush, after all the guy was a model, he was meant to inspire jaw-dropping lust, it was practically in his job description. He must have people wanting him all the time, must have a partner, although he‘d never mentioned one. Jensen consoled himself with a beer and his favourite meatball pasta but tonight it just wasn’t doing the trick.

***

Monday morning Jensen woke at 7am, an hour before his alarm was set to go off. He’d slept well but it had taken him way too long to drop off. He’d rolled about in the sheets trying to get comfortable for hours until eventually he realised he was excited about the coming day, as if he was going on vacation or looking forward to a big date. Seeing Jay again, the thought of him coming in through that door all tall and shaggy-haired, his heart was pounding just thinking about it.

Jared on the other hand had suffered through a terrible weekend, he‘d got up ten minutes before he had to leave and didn‘t even get to have a shower. His second job was becoming more and more of a problem and he was grumpy and tired as he hurried down Jensen’s street trying not to be late. He was considering giving it up anyway, sure the money was great but it was a taxing job and he just couldn’t tell anyone about it without feeling ashamed. He knew his parents wouldn’t judge him harshly but they would no doubt be disappointed and that was the last thing he wanted for them. They’d done so much to get him to college even though he wasn’t a kid anymore they still supported him as much as they could. More than the shame of the job itself he just couldn’t tell them that he was working two jobs to make ends meet. He knew they’d only try to send him more money and it was something they just couldn’t afford to do. They weren’t well off and he hated taking money off them. He’d just have to step up his modelling and hope for the best.

“Jay, hi! How’s it going? Sit down, you want a coffee? Bagel? Breakfast muffin? I baked ‘em myself this morning.” Jensen was tensely buzzing around the open plan kitchen.

Jared sat down heavily on a stool opposite him and put his head in his hands, leaning his elbows on the surface in front of him “Mmnn yeah, ‘kay.” he grunted roughly, rubbing his eyes.

Jensen noticed straight away that Jared wasn’t his usual self. Sure the guy was a bit shy sometimes but he was definitely a morning person, unlike Jensen who usually had to drag himself out of bed. He’d observed over the last couple of days that Jay was usually quite perky in the mornings, almost annoyingly so, but then mid afternoon when Jensen was starting to wake up the model was starting to flag.

He took a risk and joked, “Which one Jay, bagel or muffin? Or you gonna try and eat them both, fatty?” there was a pause, Jensen silently cursed himself. _Why did I go with fat? He’s a fucking model! Shit, now he thinks I think he’s fat. Fuck! What if he’s got some complex? What if he’s anorexic? Lots of them are, or bulimic, Jesus, oh God what if he -_

Jared cut off Jensen’s internal self-flagellation with a loud, shocked laugh. “Ha ha! No-one’s called me fat for years you know? Guess they think I must be paranoid ’cause I model or something. Idiots. Thanks for that, I needed a laugh today.”

Jensen breathed out, relieved “Oh man, you had me worried for a minute there. Anything you wanna talk about? Something happen over the weekend?”

“Naw, nothing unusual you know, just had a bit of a tough uh… assignment to do and it, um… it took a little more time than I was expecting. Didn’t get much sleep that’s all.” Jared rubbed his eyes and pushed his hair back from his forehead.

“Oh yeah? I thought you had a break from college?”

Jensen placed the coffee and a warm muffin in front of Jared, who got up and headed for the bathroom and called out over his shoulder “Yeah, just catching up with some stuff.”

Something didn’t add up, Jensen wondered Why would Jay stay up late to finish the assignment if he doesn’t have to get it in anytime soon? That was weird. He decided not to say anything, he didn’t want to probe too much into the model’s life, after all he was keeping so many secrets himself it just wouldn’t be fair.

Jared came back in and took a big bite out of the muffin, it was delicious and he moaned “Oh yeah, mmm.” swallowing the first bite he grinned “I haven’t had one like that since my ex left, she knew I was a sucker for homemade stuff. Mmm.” He took another bite.

Jensen turned around pretending to wipe the counter and took a deep breath listening to Jared moaning over the muffin. He’d nursed a little fantasy that maybe Jared was gay too, that maybe at the end of this project they could go out on a date together. Maybe he was the one to help Jensen get past the nightmares, the flashbacks. He couldn’t imagine having a bad dream while wrapped in those arms. Jensen did what he did best, pushed the feelings down and put on his blank face. “Guess we better get to work, come over when you’re done.”

“Mmm ok.” Jared wondered whether he’d annoyed the guy, these artistic types were sensitive sometimes. He swallowed down the last of the muffin and watched Jensen walk away. He wondered idly why he was the one modelling today, he’d bet his ass this guy had an amazing body. It would go with those intriguing green eyes and pouty lips. _Man that guy can pout._ Jared chuckled to himself, knocked back the coffee and strolled over to take off his clothes.

 

***

Jared took off his shirt and pants then arranged himself on the chaise in his usual position. Jensen looked over and bit his lip looking worried “Uh sorry Jay, underwear off today.” He said quickly and quietly, looking back down at the materials he was preparing, a blush slowly creeping up his face. Jensen felt the red heat rise, his neck and ears were burning up. Looking back at the model he could see that Jay was a bit nervous too, cheeks flushed he was poised on the edge of the chaise avoiding Jensen’s eyes, he stripped off his underwear and got back into position looking uncomfortable.

Deciding to just get the awkwardness out of the way Jensen cleared his throat loudly “Wow, dressed to naked in less than 30 seconds, you’ve done this before.”

Jared looked up with a quick smile “Don’t get too excited buddy, I’m putting it all back on when I get up.” The model relaxed into his pose and deliberately switched his train of thoughts over to his plans for the week as he‘d trained himself to do in these situations. It was definitely time to quit his second job, he mentally planned his resignation out and zoned out of his surroundings.

***

Some two hours later Jensen finally brought himself to begin to study the model’s pelvic area. He’d deliberately avoided it until now, knowing that it would be more than he could handle with his current crush. He held a lump of clay in his hands in preparation for sculpting Jay‘s genitals. He‘d decided to think of him as a mannequin or an anatomy doll: _genitals, penis, not a cock, definitely not a cock, don‘t think about cock. They're genitals, just your average genitals._ He ran his eyes slowly along Jared’s body, putting off the moment, starting at the broad firm chest, down well defined smooth abs, down again past the trail of dark hair leading to… Jensen’s breath caught in his throat, between tanned slim thighs rested Jared’s thick, long cock. He was entranced, squeezing the clay in his hands Jensen simply stood and stared.

Jared had finished planning his resignation and was about to ask if they could take a quick coffee break when he felt Jensen’s eyes drilling into him. In this pose he was facing slightly up and away from the sculptor but he knew he was being watched all the same. It just felt different, he was used to Jensen looking at him to make a sketch or to sculpt parts of his body but this wasn‘t the same. His ex had joked that he’d become a model because he loved to be looked at. It was kinda true, being watched was a bit of a kink for Jared, he liked the idea of being seen, getting caught, such a turn on. As his mind took him to a place where Jensen watched him jack off naked in the sunshine, lazily stretched out on a sun-lounger, Jared felt a familiar stiffening as his balls tightened and his cock began to thicken.

Jensen was rock hard already, breathing deeply trying to calm himself. He was worked up, and aching to straddle Jared. Make him sit up and beg for it, beg me. He took another deep breath and turned away. “Let’s take a quick break, I’ll be back in a sec. Help yourself to anything in the kitchen, bathroom, you know the drill.” Jared was shocked out of his fantasy and lowered his head to see Jensen striding off in the direction of the bedroom.

Jensen shut the bedroom door and leaned back against it, head back he yanked down his jeans and underwear, grabbed his cock tight and jerked himself vigorously, biting both of his lips hard to remind himself not to cry out, it hurt a little but he couldn‘t wait, he needed to satisfy himself right now, couldn‘t work like this. He was close to coming when he heard a sound from the bathroom and paused, worried that Jared had heard something. He waited in agony and listened, only to hear a quiet “Aah God, yeah.” muffled by the bathroom door. Jensen realised with a shock that Jared was touching himself too and with a groan he came hard in his hand. Knees giving way, he buckled against the door and slid to a sated heap on the floor.

In the bathroom Jared was reviving his fantasy of being watched by Jensen, he didn’t know why it was such a turn on, he wasn’t experimental, he liked girls. Loved tits. Loved curvy hips. Loved… Jensen’s eyes on him, watching him. Then maybe the sculptor would touch him with those hands… Jared moaned quietly again, maybe those pouting lips could wrap around his… “Fuck!” Jared tried not to scream out as he sprayed the bathroom cabinet, leaning forward, head down he waited for the spasms to subside and hoped that Jensen couldn’t hear him from the bedroom.

“You ok in there?” Jensen sounded amused, and a bit concerned.

“Yeah, just… just dropped something on my foot, be out in a minute!” Jared frantically began to clean up, putting his strange fantasy out of his mind for now so he could think about it more later.

 

Part 3

Jared managed to finish out the rest of the day with extreme self-control. In his mind he wrote outlines for his next assignment, planned out what he would buy from the store on the way home and generally just avoided thinking about Jensen.

At the end of the day he was relieved to get out of there, pulling on his clothes and sprinting out of the door with a “See ya tomorrow” tossed over his shoulder. Jensen laughed smugly knowing he had the model riled.

Jared slowed down as he left the building and began to meander home. Now he was out of Jensen’s sight he had time to let himself think about what had happened to him earlier. He’d never really thought about himself with a man before but being watched, being caught was something that had always turned him on. Part of him was dying for Jensen to walk into the bathroom when he was in there jerking off, he’d even left the door unlocked deliberately, but Jensen had been too late to fully complete his fantasy.

He wondered _Is it just Jensen? I can’t remember thinking about other guys like that. He’s hot and everything but… He’s not even a model, if I was gonna… it would be one of those gorgeous guys… yeah, one of them would - no they’re just too… Aah I just don’t know! Maybe it’s ‘cause he’s watching me, but then people watch me model all the time and it’s not… So not the same._ Jared realised slowly that it wasn’t guys he wanted. It wasn’t girls either. The last week no-one had caught his eye. It was as if he was already taken. He put it out of his mind and resolved to finish up the job and move on.

***

Jared got through the next day by thinking about Jensen as little as possible. When Jensen offered him breakfast he said he’d eaten. When they usually had a coffee break he stepped outside and phoned his mom (who was pleasantly surprised to hear from him and kept him on the phone for way too long). Jensen seemed a bit confused but Jared kept his distance.

At the end of the day Jared stretched out his stiff muscles and began to change into clothes he’d brought with him. He put on clean white underwear, a crisp white shirt with the top button open, charcoal grey suit and soft dark loafers, slipped on a silver watch and added an expensive looking belt. He stepped up to Jensen’s mirror and slicked back his hair.

Jensen watched fascinated as Jay transformed from a naked young model to a stylish man. He stood taller and had a confidence that shone out. Jared smoothed his hands through his hair again and looked Jensen straight in the eye, “See you tomorrow.” He said, starting to turn towards the door.

Jensen stepped towards him “Where you off tonight then, Jay?”

“Just meeting my family down at ‘Rendezvous’, they’re in town for a few days.” Jared hated lying and he wasn’t particularly good at it but since Jensen didn’t know him too well he was pretty certain he’d got away with it. He left feeling guilty, wanting to go back and tell the truth but knowing he just had to get through the next few days and this would all be over.

***

Jensen sighed and opened a bottle of beer. He wandered around the apartment restlessly picking up books and CDs, then putting them back and looking around. Finally he went into the bedroom and took down the picture of Jeff. He took it out of the frame and stared at it mindlessly for a few moments. He remembered why he’d kept the photo, it was a reminder of the mistakes he’d made and the love they’d once shared. Right now he couldn’t think of a reason to keep it any longer. It was time to move on. He tossed the photo in the trash and picked out a photo taken years ago of him with the guys to fill the frame instead.

Jensen picked up the phone and called Mike, surprised as he was to hear from Jensen he agreed to call Tom and meet them in a couple of hours at their favourite restaurant. Jensen took time over his appearance for once, even cleaning the clay out from under his nails, spiking up his hair and swapping his usual sneakers for smart shoes.

He left the apartment feeling lighter than he had in years, looking forward to spending time with old friends.

***

“So, he’s out tonight then?” Mike grinned, nudging Tom. “You hoping to, you know, bump into him?”

“Come on Mike leave him alone, we all have crushes man.”

“Yeah like you and that blonde secretary in your office right?” Mike’s grin grew wider, “A bit like that?”

“Shut it Mike. What about you and that girl at the bar ‘Oh! Shaken not stirred for me, babe’ Who do you think you are - Bond?” Tom was skilfully deflecting attention from Jensen, he knew tonight must be a big thing since they hardly ever heard from him these days.

Jensen laughed “Alright you two, keep your panties on. No, he’s out in that French place tonight, the one across town. No chance of seeing him. That’s not why I’m here. I came out to see you both. I… I missed you guys.”

“Jeez Jen I know you’re gay but leave off the waterworks ‘kay?” Mike was in a teasing mood tonight but Jensen didn’t mind, he deserved it after the way he’d neglected his friends.

“Yeah, yeah, leave off man. Look, the truth is I’m just getting past all that stuff I had going on and I want to get back to normal, you know? So… how would you guys feel about movie night at mine next week. Few beers, a pizza?”

“That’s more like it!” Mike laughed “He’s back!”

Tom grinned “Yeah sure dude, sounds good.”

“Alright, I’m gonna use the little boys room.” Jensen strolled happily to the bathrooms in front of him at the back of the restaurant.

“Oh man, look at that! Total cougar!” Mike gestured to a couple a few tables down, Jensen had been blocking his view before now.

“Yeah I saw them earlier, she’s not that old you know, maybe in her forties?” Tom looked again, the woman was maybe forty five, she was well dressed, if a little on display. Her neck was adorned with what looked like a thirty carat diamond necklace and her hair was expensively cut and coloured.

“But look at the guy she’s with. He’s gotta be, what like twenty seven, maybe twenty eight at a push?”

“You eying up guys now Rosenbaum? Or should I call you Rose?” It was Tom’s turn to tease “He looks just your type, tall, long brown hair, pretty little eyes. You should go for it dude!”

“Fuck you, pretty boy.” Mike growled.

Tom laughed. “Sorry buddy, but you gotta learn to take it if you’re gonna dish it out!”

Jensen came back to the table and ducked his head down between the two guys “We have to leave. Now.” He stood back up, grabbed his jacket and began to walk away.

“Whoah, Jensen wait up, we only just got here!” Mike shouted across the room. People at other tables turned to look.

The boy and woman on the far table turned to look, and Jensen met Jared’s baffled face, so much for a quick, quiet exit. Jensen walked back to their table mouthing “Okay, okay we’ll stay.” to calm Mike down.

He stepped over to Jared’s table, unable to avoid his gaze. “Hey, how’s it going?” To Jared’s companion he introduced himself as Jensen Ackles, and just said that he worked with Jared. The woman was gracious but a little difficult to understand, English was not her native tongue, she spoke it well but with a heavy accent. She was unmistakeably beautiful and successful, but her sharply cut suit, perfectly coiffed hair and blackberry smartphone spoke volumes about her priorities.

Jared nodded, “Good to see you Jensen, perhaps I’ll catch up with you tomorrow?”

Jensen took the hint and the opportunity to get out of there quickly. “Yes of course, enjoy your meal you two.” He strode back to Mike and Tom. He waited a few minutes until Tom gave him a nod that told him Jared wasn’t paying attention to them and quietly said “That’s him.”

Mike and Tom both grinned evilly, they ordered another bottle of wine and settled in for a long night of winding up Jensen, after all it was so easy.

Soon after Jared left with the woman on his arm and not another look in Jensen’s direction.

***

The following morning Jared showed up at Jensen’s apartment looking tired and sheepish. He sat at Jensen’s breakfast counter and accepted the coffee Jensen poured for him wordlessly.

“I…uh…” Jared started again, “Last night, what you… uh… what I mean-”

“It’s ok Jay you don’t need to explain.” Jensen smiled tentatively. “You were on a date, I hear other people do that all the time!” He ducked low to look into Jared’s eyes, “It’s ok.”

“No, it’s not Jensen, it’s really not.”

“Look, whatever it is, you don’t have to tell me, it’s ok.”

Jared took a deep breath and spilled his guts. “I needed more cash, the modelling jobs are few and far between. They’re hard to get too, for every ten auditions I do I might get one job, and the jobs are not like this one, they’re short things, a few hours or a day here and there.” Jared knocked back the coffee. “So I looked for more work. Looked everywhere for something to just bring in regular wages, you know?”

Jensen nodded. “Mmm yeah.”

Jared continued “But it was like everything I tried I just couldn’t seem to get a job. The only spare time I had was weekends and evenings. I saw an ad in a magazine and called them. They were looking for guys to take women out on dates. As escorts.” Jared looked down again, pausing for Jensen‘s reaction.

“Look Jared, there are worse things than being an escort, believe me. So you make a lonely woman happy for the night? Big deal. There’s much worse you could be doing.”

Jared looked up frowning. “What, like having sex with them? For money? 'Cos that‘s something I‘d never do, right?” His tone was harsh and sarcastic.

Jensen laughed “No you idiot, like hurting them. Like stealing from them. Like making them feel worthless and abused.”

Jared looked deep into Jensen’s eyes and saw that there was no judgment there, no pity, anger, no recriminations, just a deep sadness that he couldn‘t quite get a grasp on. His heart lifted a little in his chest. “Last night was the last time. The very last time. I’ve got enough now, to get me through to the end of college. Then I have a research position held at the College labs for me.”

Jensen moved around the counter and squeezed the model’s shoulder on his way past, walking towards the work space. “Jay, you don’t have to justify yourself to me. We’re good.”

Jared walked behind him, starting to lift his shirt off ready for the day’s work. His eyes strayed to Jensen’s broad muscled back, down to narrow hips and a firm-looking, round ass. He swallowed hard and closed his eyes, lifting his shirt over his face, still walking. Jensen turned to ask him a question and Jared blindly strode forward, knocking him off balance. Jensen fell back onto his butt with his arms out at his sides, Jared landed hard on his knees, elbows either side of Jensen’s stomach, his shirt still caught in a tangle around his jaw.

Jared tried to scrabble up off the floor but his hands were caught in his shirt, Jensen quickly leaned up and freed him, pulling off the shirt, holding his face to look into his eyes, asking if he was ok. Jared froze, he was on his hands and knees between Jensen’s legs, with those concerned green eyes boring deep into his own. Jensen’s hand on his face dropped back and Jared leaned forward, slowly, deliberately he crawled forward until his face was inches away from those lips. Making one last move forward, Jared smiled and caught Jensen’s lips in a firm, long kiss. Parting Jensen‘s lips with his tongue, he groaned a little as he tasted the sweetness of Jensen‘s mouth. “I’m okay, really okay” He smiled.

 

Part 4

 

Jensen couldn’t believe what had just happened. Jared was gazing at him with a look that said ‘I’ve found you’, and suddenly Jensen realised he wasn’t ready for this. He couldn’t risk the chance this he would hurt the model the same as he had with Jeff. Jared was already moving in to kiss him again, hands starting to roam under Jensen’s shirt. _Feels so, oh feels so good but I can’t…_ Jensen scooted back nervously.

Jensen registered surprise and concern in Jared’s eyes. “I’m sorry… I… Uh… I can’t.” Jensen crawled backwards and stood up, leaving Jared leaning back on his haunches staring up at Jensen’s retreating form.

“What did I - Did I do something wrong? This is kinda new to me. Sorry if I messed up.”

He was adorable and Jensen had to fight hard not to get back down there and just kiss away the worry he’d caused. He had to do it, had to stop this now, or the pain he might inflict would be so much worse. “No, it’s not you, you were great.” He turned away, one had behind his head rubbing the back of his neck. “It sounds corny to say it but it’s really not you, it’s me.” Jensen looked back into the model’s eyes, trying to show that he meant what he was saying, Jared really hadn’t done anything wrong.

“What is it? Is there something I can do?” Jared still looked so worried.

Jensen sighed “You can go home, Jay. Take the day off, you’ll still get paid. Come in on Monday and that‘ll be enough for me to finish the piece.”

Jared stood up and pulled on his shirt. “You think I care about getting paid now? Jeez you’re a bigger asshole than I thought.”

Jensen wasn’t surprised to hear Jared’s anger, he knew it was deserved. He ached to tell Jared why they couldn’t go down this road but he knew it was safer to let him leave in a piss like this. It was for his own sake. “Yeah, I am an asshole, Jay. I’m a bad guy. That’s why I’m alone. People get hurt around me and you’re better off away from that. I don’t want you hurt.”

“Oh I won’t be. Don’t you worry about that. Fuck your little sculpture, I’m gone.” Jared grabbed his jacket and walked out, slamming the door behind him like a child. Jensen flopped into an armchair and put his head in his hands.

So he was back where he started. Alone and afraid. Jensen was transported back to another time, a time when he’d felt so broken he thought he’d never make it back to reality…

 **Jeff kneeled over him, anger colouring his face a deep red. “Get up you little bitch! Get up NOW!” Jensen was on the floor, the breath knocked out of him, he sucked in short, squeaky hisses, trying desperately to breathe again. Jeff laughed “You think I’m gonna fall for that ‘Oh I’m hurt Jeff, I’m hurt’ act again? You’re such a goddamn pussy.” Jeff’s smile widened and he pulled back a fist, slamming it deep into Jensen’s side again. “Such a fucking pussy.”**

 **Jensen gasped out “Please Jeff-” and tried to roll away but the knees around him tightened.**

 **“I said get up, Jensen. Stop being such a girl.” Jeff’s eyes were filled with contempt and he slurred slightly as he spoke. “You wanted me, didn’t you? Wanted it enough to parade your sweet ass around in front of me all the time. I left my wife for you, you little whore. I’ll teach you a fucking lesson, you goddamn whore!” Jeff’s knees tightened around Jensen’s chest until they both felt his lower ribs crack. Jeff smiled his sadistic grin, satisfied for now.**

 **Jensen wanted to weep with the pain, he’d tried begging so many times, it only enraged Jeff so much more. He kept silent, holding onto even the whimpers that tried to escape his lips. Part of him wanted to drift into the blackness that was creeping around the edges of his vision but he knew it would only infuriate his lover so much more. If he could just hold on it would be over soon.**

 **Jeff stood up and nudged Jensen with his foot “Now get the fuck up and get in the bathroom, we’re having dinner in an hour.” He walked tall as he left the room, Jensen curled up on the floor and let the tears come out silently as his breath slowly came back, the sharp stabbing pain of his broken ribs a blessed relief as the air returned to fill his lungs.**

For two years they’d been together, they’d had the usual ups and downs. Jeff was a screamer when he was mad, but it was so rare they’d fought. At first everything was fine. Sure they’d had to come clean to Jeff’s wife, the divorce had been messy but Jensen thought they’d got past it. Until one night, maybe a year into their relationship Jeff had come home drunk, loud and angry. Turns out some friends had been ragging on him, calling him ‘queer’, taking it a little too far for Jeff’s liking. He’d come home and taken out his anger on Jensen. Saying all the time that it was his fault, he deserved it for tempting Jeff. For being such a pretty piece of ass, for being such a slut.

Afterwards Jeff had passed out on the couch and in the morning he’d cried as he begged Jensen to forgive him, he swore it would never happen again. Jensen had honestly believed him, and by the time it happened again he was too scared to leave, after all, Jeff might only have been a low level cop but he had friends who could find Jensen no matter where he went. It was safer to stay and take the beatings, to keep his life.

***

Jensen curled up on the bed and tried to focus on the feel of Jared’s lips, his warm wet tongue. No matter how hard he tried the memories just wouldn’t stay buried…

***

 **It had been six weeks since Jeff had broken Jensen’s ribs. They were healing well and the A &E doc had seemed to believe Jensen’s story of a car accident. If he hadn’t then he didn’t say anything.**

 **Jensen waited, scared, for Jeff to come home every night. Every night for the last six weeks he’d breathed deeply as soon as he realised Jeff wasn’t slurring, didn’t stink of cheap whisky. They’d snuggled on the sofa, Jeff treating him like an injured woman, pulling out chairs for him, doing the dishes. They never spoke of how Jensen’s chest had got hurt, and Jensen for his part never breathed a word of complaint for fear of angering his partner.**

 **Tonight Jensen was putting the phone down in his studio space after speaking to Mike when he heard it. The unmistakeable sound of Jeff’s key scratching around the lock. Jensen froze to the spot, so far nothing he tried had worked, pleading, begging, crying, even standing up to him like you would to a bully. Nothing doing. Jensen realised if he could get to the bathroom he could lock himself in safely, but his feet wouldn’t move. Just as he began to step forward Jeff got the key in the lock. As the lock turned Jensen got to the kitchen, but before he could get through into the bedroom to get to the bathroom it was too late.**

 **Jeff slammed the door open, “Baby, I’m home. Get me a whisky.” Jensen froze again in the kitchen, shock taking over he began to shake, feeling a cold sweat break out over his skin.**

 **“I said I want a fucking whisky goddamn it!” Suddenly Jeff was in the kitchen, punctuating his words with blows on the counter. “What the fuck is wrong with you?” He stepped close to Jensen, “Don’t you wanna make me a drink, pretty boy?” Jeff grabbed his face and forced a reeking kiss onto him, stubble scraping his lips.**

 **Jensen looked down “Y-Yes, of course.”**

 **“S’more like it.” Jeff watched Jensen move around the kitchen. “Such a pretty face…” He grabbed Jensen from behind as he began to pour, turning his head around to bite and kiss his lips. Jensen felt Jeff’s erection pressed into his ass behind the fabric of his jeans. He knew better than to say no to Jeff but didn’t count on Jeff grabbing his crotch excitedly. “What?! What the fuck you little whore? Don’t want me any more, is that it?” Jeff turned him around roughly “Turn me gay, rip me away from my family and then decide you don’t want me, that’s your game huh?”**

 **“No Jeff, no. I want you, I promise. I’m just… tired. That’s all.” Jensen lied desperately, praying for Jeff to believe him. “I love you Jeff. I’m sorry.”**

 **Jeff looked down and breathed deeply “You will be.” He lashed out at Jensen, going for his face for the first time. Jensen felt the fist connect, slamming his head into the upper cabinets. He fell to the floor but managed to stay on his knees, the impact jarring his broken ribs into a sharp gnawing ache. Jeff laughed evilly and grabbed Jensen by the hair, yanking back his head to look into his eyes. “I’m gonna hurt you so bad you little whore. Teach you to fuck with me.” He lifted a knee and smashed into Jensen’s jaw. “Teach you good.”**

 **Jensen knew this time Jeff wasn’t fucking around, this time he could wind up badly hurt. Jeff always stayed away from his face but tonight he was in a rage, ranting about how Jensen had ruined his life, aiming kicks at Jensen’s face, stomach, groin. Jeff was trashing the kitchen, throwing pots and dishes at Jensen. Not caring as the glass sliced open Jensen’s skin and he bled copiously onto the tiled floor.**

 **Jensen cowered on the floor as Jeff came closer, screaming “I’mma fucking kill you boy!” Jensen took his hands away from his face and saw his own blood pooled on the floor, he scrabbled back, away from Jeff. He understood now that tonight was different, Jeff’s eyes were glassy with rage, it was as if he was looking through Jensen, not seeing him at all.**

 **It wasn’t just an empty threat, tonight Jeff would kill him if he didn’t act fast. Jensen felt behind him and his hand met the grip of what felt like a pan, he grabbed it and lashed out at Jeff, aiming to knock him back so he could run.**

 **It wasn’t a pan.**

 **The knife sliced through the air and connected with Jeff’s neck. Jensen registered a look of shock on Jeff’s face. His own eyes widened as he realised what he’d done. He ripped the knife out of Jeff’s neck and felt the blood begin to spurt out, coating him as he cradled Jeff in his arms. “I’m so sorry Jeff, s-so sorry, so sorry…” He reached for the phone.**

***

Jared was better off without him.

 

Part 5

Jared felt like an idiot even as he slammed Jensen’s door behind him. Yes, it was childish. Sure, Jensen would think he was a spoiled brat, but why not? It wasn’t like he was ever going to see the guy again. _Even if I wanted to…_ The guy had offered to pay him! Like he was some kind of prostitute! Jared knew he was overreacting but his mind kept reeling back to the rejection he’d felt. _‘It’s not you, it’s me’… asshole thinks I’ll fall for that shit? Dammit!_ The anger was suffocating, he practically ran out of Jensen’s building, wanting to get as far away from the sculptor as possible.

The worst part of it was that this was the first time he’d felt like this about a guy. It was so confusing, so strange; but it felt so right. For Jensen to have asked him to leave like that was more than he could bear.

Jared found himself in a nearby park, He sat on a bench and breathed deeply, trying to calm his whirling emotions. Finally he decided he wasn’t going to obsess about it anymore, stupid fucking artist’s not worth it anyway. He lied to himself, promised himself it didn’t matter and to prove it he would book another job, let the guy finish the piece without his inspiration.

Jared dialled the agency. “Misha, what’s up? Got anything lined up this week?” He asked with a falsely bright tone.

“Jay! Thought you were still working on the Greek God piece with Jensen? Everything okay?” Misha’s fake surprise told Jared everything he needed to know.

“He called you already, huh?” Jared muttered.

“Sorry Jay, yeah he told me he wanted to finish the piece with you but that he didn’t think you were coming back. What happened with you two?”

“There is no ‘us two’ Misha! What the hell?” Jared’s anger re-ignited white hot. “What did he tell you?”

“I see.” Misha was the king of short and sweet.

“Dammit Misha, have you got anything for me or not?” Jared felt bad for speaking to his agent like this but the guy was infuriating.

“Okay Jay, just calm down. I got something coming up next week I think. Take the weekend, we’ll talk about it soon. Just relax, take it easy. Call me on Monday.” Misha’s voice was low and soothing. Jared felt the anger wash away at his words and for the second time that day he felt like an idiot.

“Thanks man, thanks.” Jared hung up the phone and walked quickly home, Trying to forget the delicious kiss he had shared with the sculptor and the deep well of rejection inside him.

***

Jensen spent the weekend finishing the project from his memories, sketches and photos. As he lovingly carved Jay’s face into the raw blank clay he remembered the touch of those lips on his own. He shaped a pair of eyes that he remembered to be green on first sight, then blue as he looked again, then when he looked deeper still he’d seen the flecks of hazel around deep wide pupils. Jensen spent hours shaving away tiny miniscule curls, perfecting the boy’s hair. Cheekbones and deep dimples took him a whole evening. He worked through ‘til the next morning putting the finishing touches to the pointed jaw, the tiny kink in the chin, the expressive brows.

Finally, when the piece was ready, he stopped. He called the heiress who’d commissioned the piece and gave her the news. Exhausted he crawled into bed without even washing off the dusty, solidifying clay from his hands.

As sleep began to tug at him, the nightmare claimed him once again…

 **He was on the floor once more, surrounded by broken glass and china, everything coated in slippery blood. Jeff‘s head was in his lap and the open gash in his neck was no longer spurting so hard. He grasped the phone and pressed 911, looking back at Jeff and moaning “S’gonna be okay Jeff, gonna be okay. Please hold on, please… Please. I’m so sorry Jeff. Never should have… never… didn’t know it was… God Jeff, please hold on!”**

 **The ringing stopped and Jensen heard, “911 what’s your emergency?”**

 **“Need an ambulance. He’s hurt… so bad.” Jensen’s voice cracked as he spoke the words through swollen lips, around a mouthful of blood and a couple of cracked teeth.**

 **“What’s your location, sir?”**

 **“2341 Harperville Road, Chester, Apartment 19.” Jensen reeled off their address.**

 **“Alright sir, ambulance is on the way. Do you need police assistance?” The lady asked neutrally.**

 **Jensen hung his head and gazed into Jeff’s dimming eyes. “Yes… that would be best.” He whispered before hanging up the phone.**

***

Jensen wept in his sleep, curled in a ball around sweat soaked sheets, his whimpers went unheard.

***

 **The ambulance arrived before the police. The paramedics quickly scanned the room and after checking Jeff’s vitals they swiftly moved to treat Jensen’s visible wounds. He batted them away, unconcerned for his own injuries. “Please, help him, not me! Can’t you help him?” Jensen cried out.**

 **“I’m sorry sir, he’s not breathing, he has no pulse.” The paramedic was professional but sympathy radiated from him.**

 **“Can’t you… CPR? Can’t you do mouth to mouth?” Jensen begged, grabbing the man’s sleeve.**

 **“No sir, I’m sorry, his artery is severed, he’s lost so much blood, and it’s been too long… There’s nothing we can do for him now. The best thing we can do is get you cleaned and stitched up. Now can you tell me your name?” The paramedic was kneeling in glass and blood, trying to check over Jensen’s injuries but as he gave Jensen the news that Jeff was not coming back his job became a lot harder. Jensen pushed him off, crawled over to Jeff’s cooling body and pulled him into a rocking hug.**

 **The police found him sat in the same position, head buried in the untouched side of Jeff’s neck. The paramedics were unable to do their job on Jensen but they told the cops that he seemed okay and they could wait while the cops did what they had to do.**

 **Jensen saw flashes of light as the cameras took in the scene. Gloved hands ripped his beloved boyfriend from his arms. He drifted in and out as the police tried to caution him.**

 **It seemed like years later he was sat in the police station, bandaged up and given a light dose of painkillers. The cops didn’t want him drugged too much when they questioned him. Jensen was frighteningly cold, his mind kept alighting on strange inconsequential things. _Have to buy some more crockery_ was the one that kept repeating itself. _Wonder what’ll happen to the food I left on the counter? Will they throw it away? We don’t want flies getting in the kitchen._ Jensen didn’t allow himself to think of the apartment as his own place now. In his mind Jeff was still there where he’d left him.**

 **They asked if he wanted a lawyer. He shook his head.  
They asked if he wanted a coffee. He shook his head.**

 **Jeff’s words rang in his ears “You don’t want me?” … “Teach you to fuck with me!” … “Fucking kill you, boy!”…**

 **Jeff’s partner, Samuels, was outside railing at the indignity of not being the one to question Jensen. They’d realised immediately there was no sign of forced entry, no prints from an intruder. Jensen was the only other person there, and he was covered in Jeff’s blood.**

 **The door opened and Jensen heard Samuels' shouts “- Lemme in there, I’ll get it out of him! You can‘t seriously expect me to -” The door closed and the shouts were muffled but not entirely blocked.**

 **Jensen’s chin was on his chest. They’d ‘cuffed him ‘as a precaution’ so both hands rested in his lap. “I did it.” He confessed simply.**

 **“Did what?” Detective Robinson asked quietly.**

 **“I killed him. I did it. You don’t need to question me.” Jensen was barely audible as he whispered through his tightly swollen throat.**

 **Robinson was silent for a moment. This was not what she’d expected to hear. The state of the guy told her he’d taken a bad beating tonight. She needed to determine from whose hands those blows had been dealt. She was willing to bet good money that not all of the blood staining Jeff’s walls and tiles belonged to him, not by a long shot.**

 **“Tell me how it happened.” She gently probed.**

 **“Can’t, I can’t tell… Can’t say… Jeff’s gone. I did it. The rest… doesn’t matter.” That was all he would say. Eventually Robinson gave up and they shut him away in the cells for the night.**

 

***

Jensen howled in his sleep and woke abruptly, damp and shivering. “Jeff I’m sorry.” He cried over and over. It didn’t matter that he was free now, in his mind there was no punishment that could burn away what he had done.

As he washed the remains of the same old nightmare away from his face Jensen’s gaze fell on the twin-blade razor nestling next to his toothbrush.

“Nothing to live for” he whispered softly…

 

Part 6  
Jensen stared into the mirror, guilt and regret reflected in his eyes. He ached to call Jared and lose himself in those beautiful arms, just forget everything and move on. Deep inside he knew that no matter what happened with the model he would never get past the shame of what he’d done. Taking Jeff‘s life was just not something he could get over. He’d tried therapy, was still on anti-depressants, nothing helped. Inside he knew that he was holding onto the feelings, didn’t want to let go of them. This was his own punishment, his own imprisonment.

He picked up the razor and ran his thumb along the edge, feeling the sharp bite as it opened the skin and the blood began to flow. The feeling of release was immediate and intense. He held onto the pain as he contemplated what he was about to do. Walking into the living space Jensen looked over to his work area and saw his completed sculpture. He wandered over and sat cross-legged in front of it. Jared’s perfectly flawed face was exquisite in its beauty.

Jensen couldn’t bear the thought that his homage to Jared would end up being wasted in the heiress’s garden, just another lawn ornament being gawked at by horny old women. He desperately wanted the model to see it, to see how much love and attention he’d put into finishing it. It should be his.

Jensen grabbed his cell and called Jared’s number, hoping to speak to him one last time. As it rang through to voicemail he sighed, this was better really, cleaner.

“Please leave a message after the tone…” The message tone beeped.

“Jay… it’s me, Jensen. I… don’t know what to say. I’m sorry… So sorry, about everything. I’ve made so many mistakes, and hurting you will be my last one.” Jensen’s words caught in his throat as his voice broke around the tears “I want you to have it. It belongs to you, not that vapid bitch. Don’t let them tell you that you can’t have it, the sculpture’s yours if you want it. If you don’t, well just do what you want with it… I‘m sorry.” Cutting off the call Jensen returned to staring into the sculpture’s eyes.

His mind wandered back to that time…

 **After his night in the cells Detective Robinson brought him down to the hospital to get checked over. Jensen was compliant with them this time, knowing that he had to let them do their job, after all it was not like he could do anything for Jeff now. Once the external examination was over they sent him for several x-rays, a CAT scan and an MRI. The results were delivered to Robinson while Jensen’s injuries were treated.**

 **The detective slipped behind the curtain into Jensen’s cubicle. She watched as Jensen cringed away from her, curled into a ball he shook with fear. “Mr. Ackles? Jensen? Are you okay?”**

 **“Please… Please don’t hurt me.” He whimpered softly, in shock. He slipped in and out of rational thought as the trauma of the last few months took its toll.**

 **Robinson sat down softly on the edge of the bed, needing to be close to hear Jensen‘s quiet voice but not wanting to scare him. “Jensen, I’m not here to hurt you. No-one’s going to hurt you again. Do you know what happened? Can you tell me about it?”**

Jensen closed his eyes “No, please don’t. Please stop… I can’t -”

 **“Okay, okay… I’ll come back later, get some rest.” She left him to settle down.**

 *******

 **Jensen was aware that the detective had come back to talk to him. He’d recovered somewhat from his state of shock and knew that he had to speak to her, turning over he winced at the pain in his side and looked up to meet her gaze. “Detective - uh, Robinson?” He asked timidly.**

 **“Yes Mr. Ackles, but you can call me Fran. Do you mind if I call you Jensen?” She asked slowly.**

 **“Mmm that’s okay.” He looked away again. “I guess you want to know what happened, last night?”**

 **“I do, yes. But first I want you to tell me how you got…” She looked down at the paper in her hand. “Two broken ribs, three cracked teeth, a fractured cheekbone, a hairline fracture to the back of your skull, various soft tissue injuries, bone contusions to your hipbones and pelvis, and a dislocated jaw... Jensen, who did this to you?”**

 **She was visibly concerned and Jensen felt sad that she was so worried about him. After what he’d done he didn’t deserve her pity. “I’m just clumsy. I… fell over and bumped my head, and-”**

 **“Jensen, please.” She bent her head lower to look into his eyes. “Look at me, someone did this to you. The shape of your bruises, they were made by fists Jensen. Did Jeff do this to you?”**

 **“No! No! Jeff loves me. He loves me…” Jensen veered between rational thought and outright denial. “He wouldn’t hurt me on purpose… He loves me. Sometimes I just… I don’t know.”**

 **“Sometimes you made him mad?” She prompted him gently.**

 **“Mmmhmm. Jeff didn’t hurt me on purpose. It was… I was so clumsy. He left his wife for me, you know? He loved me so much. Said I made him love me. I never wanted… Never wanted to hurt them, his family.” Now that he’d started talking it came thick and fast.**

 **“Jeff, he hated what we’d done to them, split them up. Sometimes I think he hated me for it. If we’d never met… He’d still be… Still be with them, he’d be happy without me. He’d be alive right now.”**

 **“Jensen, when did he… Uh, when did you start to get clumsy?” Robinson was cautious.**

 **“I love him so much, you know? I never meant to make him mad.”**

 **“But you did?”**

 **Jensen couldn’t help the tears but he was smiling “He was so much fun when we got drunk together, he made me laugh so much, but a few months ago…”**

 **“Yes? What happened Jensen?” She soothed gently**

 **“He was so angry… Blind drunk. The boys had been teasing him, said he was a ‘fag’ and a ‘queer’. They were only fucking with him but he didn‘t take it so well. That was the first time I made him mad.”**

 **Robinson knew this was a crucial time. Quietly she prompted him again. “What happened, Jensen?”**

 **“I tripped over his foot, I fell on the floor. It was an accident. Jeff… he laughed at me. Said I deserved it… and then… then he… kicked me. Kicked my… side.” Jensen’s voice broke.**

 **“It’s ok, Jensen just get it out.”**

 **“He held me down, said he was going to teach me a lesson, he… I can’t, I’m sorry.” Jensen curled up again, shaking.**

 **Robinson knew this was her only chance and she knew Jensen wanted her gone. “Please Jensen, let’s get this over with. Tell me now and I can leave you alone.” She hoped he would open up finally.**

 **“He raped me.” Jensen whispered. “I begged him not to, he just kept on laughing. It was like he was somewhere else… He wouldn’t listen, wouldn‘t go slow. Had his hands round my throat… I thought he would… Thought I was going to suffocate. It hurt so much, he laughed at me... Until he was finished. After… He left me there. Passed out in our room. The next day… He was so sorry, he promised… Never again… Never happen again… But he… Didn’t stop… Got worse… Was so scared. I didn‘t tell anyone, it was my own fault.” Jensen whimpered again and Robinson stroked his shoulder.**

 **“Okay Jensen, that’s enough for today. Get some sleep, I’ll see you later.”**

 **Robinson called for the nurse and asked for something to help him sleep.**  
***  
Jensen remembered his betrayal. The razor glinted in his hand as he put it to his wrist.Tears streaming down his face, he frowned in concentration and began to cut.

***

Jared woke from a fitful sleep, the beeping of his cell told him he had a message, he just wanted to ignore it. The missed call was from the sculptor. He pressed ’cancel’ and rolled over, pulling the covers up to his chin.

He tossed in the bed, sleep was impossible with that message waiting. _What does that asshole want?! Can’t he just leave me alone? Does he want to explain..? I don’t wanna hear it._ He tried again to sleep and just forget everything but eventually he gave in. Jared didn‘t want to admit it but he wanted to hear Jensen‘s voice, wanted to know if he had changed his mind. Picking up the phone Jared dialled his voicemail and listened to the strange message.

Hearing the quiet desperation in Jensen’s voice he finally allowed himself to drop the anger he was holding onto. As the short message ended Jared wondered what he meant by his last mistake. Jared listened to the message again, and then once more. Something wasn’t right. He jumped out of the bed and grabbed his clothes, he didn’t really want to go over there but he didn’t know what else he could do.

 

Part 7  
Jared was still pulling on his shoes as he hopped out of the door. He buttoned his shirt distractedly as he ran down the stairs. The more he thought about it the more certain he was that Jensen was in real trouble. He cursed himself for not giving Jensen the chance to explain himself earlier. His rescue attempt would have to be enough of an apology. Please God let him be ok...Please… He prayed silently.

As he ran he thought about the sculptor and realised that his feelings for the guy were so much deeper than he’d thought. The prospect of losing him for good was unbearable. They’d only just met but he knew inside that Jensen was what he’d been looking for all along. That went some way to explaining why he’d exploded into anger so quickly when he’d been spurned. He was always an emotional guy and his desire for Jensen had made him a little crazy.

Jared reached the building in ten minutes, sprinting flat out. He took the elevator into the hallway of Jensen’s apartment using the key-fob that the sculptor had given him when they started the project. He strode over to the door of the work area and tried the handle, it was locked. He listened hard and heard nothing at first. As his ears accustomed to the silence and his own breathing calmed, he caught the quietest sound of shallow breathing…

“Jensen!” He shouted. There was no answer.

He took a step back and kicked at the solid wood door, it wouldn’t budge. Another kick didn’t move it an inch.

“Jensen!” He shouted loudly. “Jensen it’s Jay, are you hurt? Please answer me!” He waited a few seconds but there was no reply… “Jensen, please?”

Again he waited. “Jensen I know you’re in there, I can hear you, answer me goddamn you! I need to know if you‘re okay…”

He listened carefully and heard the softest of whispers - “Jay?” Then silence.

Jared knew he had to get into the room straight away, a matter of seconds could be the difference between life and death. He took a few steps back and charged at the door with his shoulder. Once again it wouldn’t budge and he was almost out of options. In the morning he would feel the pain but right now he was running on sheer adrenaline.

Jared panicked, looking around wildly he noticed the fire-axe mounted on the wall inside the elevator. Risking the alarm going off he smashed the glass with his elbow. The loud fire-alarm started instantly. _Good, maybe they’ll bring an ambulance._

He hefted the heavy axe and set at the door. _Damn this thing's sturdy!_ It took him another two minutes to hack away enough of the lock surround to get in and as he did so, the scene before him was unthinkable.

Jensen lay on the floor, unconscious. His left wrist had a deep, long gash in it lengthways up his arm. The right wrist was not so badly hurt, he must have done the left one first. Jared ignored the two pools of blood and skidded to his knees at Jensen’s side. He called 911 and demanded an ambulance but the fire-alarm had already alerted the emergency services. He could hear the lift activate as the firemen used their keys to gain access.

“Hold on, Jensen!” Jared lifted off his shirt and tore it into strips, he began to bandage Jensen’s wrists to stem the flow of blood.

As he finished bandaging the left wrist first, he looked up to Jensen’s chest and face to check he was still breathing. Jensen‘s chest rose and fell minutely, he was weak but he was still alive. There was still hope, he saw Jensen’s eyelids flutter as if he was dreaming. “Jensen, if you can hear me, please hold on. Please!”

Jared set to work on the other wrist as the first fireman came dashing through the door.

***

 **Eventually Jensen had told Detective Robinson everything she needed to know. She was already something of a pariah on the force because of her seniority and her gender. As much as she hated to acknowledge it she fought hard for every little bit of ground she gained, but she knew it was worth it. Her sympathy for Jensen came from an understanding of what he had gone through. She herself had not suffered the abuse he’d gone through but she’d watched it in her own family for years as a child. Powerless to stop the onslaught of pain inflicted on her family she turned her anger against the abusive, murderous suspects that graced the cells of the station.**

 **Her sympathy for Jensen put her into a new league with the other officers. Many of them openly stated that they would never work with her again. She was slated for supporting a ‘cop-killer’ and warned to stay out of the way. In the months following the case she contacted Jensen from time to time to make sure he was okay, during one of her visits she’d told him why she wanted to help.**

 **When Jensen’s case was re-assigned to a new detective, Robinson knew better than to argue the point and make herself look weak. Instead she tipped off the best defence attorney she could find with a background in ‘not guilty by virtue of self-defence’ victories. She gave him the circumstances of the case and pointed him in the direction of the ex-wife Nina (formerly Morgan, now Thompson) to talk about Jeff, and Jensen’s friends for character reference. She tipped him off that he had the right to access Jeff’s personnel file, which she knew contained several warnings for violent and aggressive behaviour. The attorney took the case on, knowing that the publicity alone would be a goldmine on this high-profile case.**

 *******

 **“Mr. Jensen Ross Ackles, you are charged with murder in the first degree. How do you plead?”**

 **“Your honor, my client pleads not guilty by reason of self-defence.”**

 **Jensen drifted in and out of the trial.**

 *******

 **“Would you say your partner was a violent man?” Jensen’s attorney had done his homework.**

 **“Jeff? Naw. Jeff used reasonable force. When we had to. I… I mean he was a good guy… He got into it yeah, with the rest of us. There were a coupla times-” Samuels quickly realised what he was saying and broke off the sentence.**

 **“Like the time he broke the jaw of the young man you were chasing? The alleged purse-thief?” The attorney was friendly but firm.**

 **“S’a misunderstanding.” Samuels mumbled.**

 *******

 **“… The whole truth and nothing but the truth, so help me God.” Nina was calm and likeable. She made eye contact with Jensen, and her look was pure empathy.**

 **“Ms. Thompson, how long were you married to the deceased?”**

 **“Around six years.” She answered smoothly.**

 **“And in that time did he ever…” The attorney paused for effect, “ever become violent with you?”**

 **“Yes he did, several times.” Her calm veneer slipped a little as she paled, remembering the assaults. Jensen’s attention was focused solely on her while his attorney nodded towards the jury. Jensen had never known that Jeff had beaten Nina too, he wept quietly at the thought of the pain she must have felt.**

 **“I’m sorry to ask this Ms. Thompson, but can you tell me why you never left? Why you never reported the behaviour you were experiencing at home.”**

 **Nina’s tiny laugh said it all. “Never reported it? The first time I called the station they told me not to worry, Jeff was just stressed at work. The next time I went down and gave a full report. The officer seemed nice enough. It wasn’t ‘til I got home that I realised my mistake. My punishment? A fractured femur, internal bleeding, and a dislocated shoulder.” Nina’s voice broke. “I was too scared to leave. He would track me down within days. I can only imagine what he would have done. When he left me for Jensen, I cried for days. Some small part of me was humiliated, another much bigger part of me was just… So relieved.” Tears slipped down her face. “I felt so guilty, knowing what Jensen must be going through, but I couldn’t, I couldn’t stop him…”**

 **The attorney gave her a moment to compose herself. “I’m sorry to ask this of you Ms. Thompson, but for the record, can you tell us who inflicted those injuries on you?”**

 **“My ex-husband. The deceased. Jeffery Dean Morgan.”**

 *****  
“Professor Huntingdon, in your professional opinion, what does the blood spatter show?” The attorney was questioning the next witness, the one that would bring credibility to his arguments.**

 **“The blood spatter indicates that Mr. Ackles was wounded first.”**

 **“I see. Did you find anything else of interest in the photos and in your inspection of the scene?” Of course, he already knew the answer.**

 **“Objection! Leading the witness.” The prosecutor was out of his seat and red in the face.**

 **“I’ll allow it. Professor Huntingdon please answer the question.” The judge turned her scrutinising gaze on the expert witness.**

 **“I did indeed find something that may be of interest. I found evidence of blood in every room of the residence. Mostly dried traces but they were enough to identify the victim.”**

 **“Which victim would that be?”**

 **“Mr. Ackles. His blood was dried onto most surfaces of every room. Luminol testing revealed that the majority of the blood had been cleaned away, however the amount of traces I found was far higher than the average for a two person household.”**

 **“And did you find traces of Mr. Morgan’s blood?”**

 **“The deceased’s blood was only found in the kitchen and a small amount in the bathroom sink, which was consistent with what we know about his oral health from his medical records.”**

 **“Thank you Professor Huntingdon, no further questions.” The attorney took his seat next to Jensen and patted his arm.**

 *******

 **“Dr. Reece, you examined my client on the night in question, did you not?”**

 **“I did.”**

 **“What was your professional assessment of his injuries?”**

 **“I determined that none of the wounds appeared to be self-inflicted. It was not immediately possible to say whether or not they were simply accidents. However once we received the results of the various scans and tests that were completed we put together a shocking picture of the abuse Mr. Ackles had suffered-”**

 **“Objection! This is not a matter of fact, this is the doctor’s opinion!” The prosecutor was out of his seat again.**

 **“Upheld, Dr. Reece please refrain from giving statements of opinion in your testimony.” The judge was impartial in her decision. “Jury, you are to disregard the Doctor’s last comment. You may continue.”**

 **“Uh… I… Well the injuries themselves, objectively showed that Mr. Ackles had received repeated blows to the back of the head, the stomach, chest, upper arms, thighs, buttocks and groin. It is not my opinion, but a matter of fact that the same pattern of injuries is often found on people who have suffered through domestic abuse, which was what led me to the conclusion that domestic abuse was the most likely cause of Mr. Ackles’s wounds.” The doctor had regained her composure.**

 **“The court has already heard the list of Mr. Ackles’s injuries diagnosed on that day Dr. Reece. However we have not heard about the injuries received by Mr. Morgan, are you able to comment on that?”**

 **“Yes, I was also able to examine Mr. Morgan and I have had access to the coroner’s final report. The report showed -”**

 **“Objection! The witness is not qualified to answer these questions, your honor!”**

 **“Overruled. The witness’s credentials speak for themselves councillor, she has examined the deceased and she can give testimony to that effect. Dr. Reece please tell us what you saw, however I will not allow you to comment on the coroner’s report since that is not your area of expertise.” Once more the judge was fair.**

 **“Thank you. During the course of my own examination of Mr. Morgan I discovered that his body showed no defensive wounds. For example you might expect to see bruising on the wrists, neck, cuts to the skin in those areas. Apart from the wound to the neck, he had sustained no other injury for some time.”**

 **“And what did that lead you to conclude?”**

 **“That he was the aggressor in the altercation and that Mr. Ackles had been acting in self-defence.”**

 **“Objection!” It was too late to object, the jury had heard every word.**

 *******

 **“Your honor, we, the jury, find the defendant not-guilty as charged of murder in the second degree, by reason of self-defence.” The foreman sat down.**

 **Jensen found himself in a tight hug from his lawyer. “You’re free, kid!” Hands patted him on the back from all around, but instead of happiness, all he could feel was guilt and regret, eating at his heart.**

***

The paramedics let Jared ride in the ambulance. He’d lied, telling them he was Jensen’s partner. He had to be there, in case Jensen didn’t make it.

 

Part 8

At the hospital entrance Jared was separated from him. They waved forms at him. As if he could fill them in right now! He stared at them blankly until he remembered they thought he was Jensen’s boyfriend. For a second he almost retreated into himself, unable to cope with the situation, until his anger kicked back in with a vengeance.

“Excuse me Ma’am,” Jared’s tone barely concealed the bubbling pit of fire inside him. “Is this absolutely essential while my boyfriend is in there possibly bleeding to death? D’ya think it could maybe wait a little?” His words bit sharply as he berated her for her insensitivity at this difficult time.

The clipboard was slammed on the counter in front of the nurse and she stuttered “It… It can… Uh, wait, it can wait.” She nodded quickly and waved him through the double doors, giving him directions to the ward that would be patching Jensen up.

Jared stormed through the hospital into the hallway. He stopped outside the ward where Jensen was being treated. As he reached his destination he realized the forms were meant to have kept him occupied, so he didn’t have to just sit around waiting to hear about Jensen. _Such a fucking idiot!_ He thought to himself.

He was a mess, a big mass of nervous energy, pacing the halls. Part of him was still feeling self-indulgent, mad at Jensen. Part of him still wanted to just leave. Jensen was in good hands now, he wouldn’t miss Jared, probably wouldn’t even remember he’d been there. A much bigger part of him wanted nothing more than to hear that Jensen was okay, to go in and see him, kiss him. _I‘ll never ask for anything again, just let him be okay._

He sat. Tapped his feet. Rubbed his eyes. Stood. Sat. Stretched. Paced some more. Got coffee. Sat. Flicked through a magazine. Drummed on his thigh. Stood. Paced again.

A million years went past. Or it might have been an hour or two. Jared was never the most patient of people.

***

Nina was ushered into the corridor by a harassed looking nurse. Three hours after he’d been admitted Jared had been told to call Jensen’s relatives in case they needed to be there. Jared didn‘t want to think about why they might need to be there. Jensen’s cell only had a few numbers stored, and only one person had been awake enough to answer Jared’s call at 3.15am.

Unlike Jensen, Nina didn’t have nightmares. Jeff’s heavy fists and slurred insults didn’t haunt her in her dreams. Instead they kept her up at night. She knew Jensen’s guilt all too well, because her own guilt was deep and relentless. Every night she broke her heart over what had happened to Jensen. Her self-loathing told her it had all happened because she was too weak to open her mouth and get the help that would have ended Jeff‘s violence. All the same, she’d never told Jensen how she felt. The pain was hers alone to bear and she knew sharing it with Jensen would not lighten his burden.

“Hi, uh, Jared is it?” Nina looked up at the gorgeous model, then up again as she took in his full height. She was a petite five feet tall with elbow length wavy auburn hair around a tiny heart-shaped face. Pale-skinned with a smattering of freckles, she reminded Jared of a female leprechaun. It didn’t help that she was wearing green. Her mascara had smudged around red-rimmed eyelids.

“You must be Nina?” He said questioningly and reached out to envelope her in a tight hug, not caring that she might not like to be hugged by a stranger. “Thank you for…” He trailed off.

Nina smiled tightly, “Not at all. I had to come. He… Has no-one left now really, these days.” She looked away as her eyes misted with fresh tears. “Have they said, have they said if he -” She didn’t want to finish.

“Nothing yet.” Jared was trying to keep his irritation from taking over. _What is taking so damn long? She‘s right we should have heard something by now!_ “I don’t want to interrupt them in case -”

“In case something happens to him.” She finished for him.

Jared felt stupid. “Yeah.” He scratched the back of his head, nodding and looking down.

“It’s okay you know, I feel the same. Let’s just sit it out until they come to tell us what’s happening.” They sat together awkwardly.

Jared almost tried to start conversations but he didn’t even really know who this woman was, she was just the first person that had answered his call.

“So, how do you know him?” Nina broke the ice.

“Just through work I guess. Been modelling for him about a week now. And we…” Jared didn’t want to continue. Didn’t really know Nina well enough to go on.

“I see. So there’s a 'we'?” Jared looked up quickly into curious hazel eyes, about to deny it all. Nina smiled. “Oh, definitely a 'we'. God it’s been so long for him. Since those days. Since Jeff…”

“Who’s Jeff?” Jared didn’t really want to ask but his urge to know Jensen inside out won over the need to appear aloof and cool. His mind went back to the photo in Jensen’s room and he put a name to the face, wondering once again who the mysterious man was.

Immediately Nina’s face closed up. “I thought maybe you knew. If you did. This… This would make so much more sense.” She paused and took in Jared’s confused look. “I can’t be the one to tell you about it Jared, I‘m sorry. Jensen will tell you, when he’s ready.” Nina was firm and her narrow-eyed look told Jared not to push it.

Once again Jared was being asked to be patient and it went against the grain. He stood up, ready to pace again. “Sure, I understand.” He was short with her, his tolerance wearing thin.

“Not yet you don’t, but you will. He’ll tell you in his own time, but you may have to wait a while. Right now let’s just wait and see how he is.” Once again she was sweet but unyielding.

Jared sat down, giving in to the force of Nina’s no nonsense approach. Eventually he told Nina what had happened.

***

 

“Mr. Padalecki? Jared?”

The words were quiet and ominous. They matched the doctor’s grave expression as he prepared to give Jared the bad news.

“Yes?” Jared was suddenly still and calm, he stood motionless in front of the doctor, waiting to hear the words.

“I’m sorry sir. Your partner, he’s…” The doctor took a breath.

Jared felt like time stopped as he waited.

“He hasn’t woken up. We’ve managed to stop the bleeding but he has lost a massive amount of blood.” The doctor’s face was very serious.

“Is he… Will he…?” Jared couldn’t say it.

“The next twenty four hours are very important. We’ll monitor him closely and let you know if there’s any change. You should be aware that he may not wake up, and if he does, he may not be, well, he may not be himself.” The doctor’s words were vague but Jared’s own studies told him what he needed to know. Jensen’s brain had been starved of oxygen as his body began to shut down, there was a high chance of brain damage. There was a good chance he might not wake up at all.

Nina’s voice cracked as she asked “Can we see him?”

“You can go in for a few minutes one at a time, but afterwards you should go home and sleep tonight, we’ll call you as and when anything changes. Please excuse me.” The doctor strode away through the double doors.

***

“Killed me Jensen… You killed me.” Jeff’s deep gravelly voice was pulsing through the dank grey mist around him.

Jensen stepped forward hesitantly. “Jeff? Is that you? I’m sorry. I tried to tell you, I’m so sorry. I didn‘t mean to hurt you, I‘m sorry I was never good enough for you.” Tears ran freely over his cheeks.

“Didn’t even get the punishment, did you, boy? You got away with it, Jensen. You stabbed me with that knife. Might as well have stabbed my heart.” The whispered words stung as they surrounded Jensen in formless hate.

He turned, looking for the ghost of his dead lover. “I’m sorry, so sorry, so sorry. Forgive me… Please forgive me Jeff?” Jensen cried out.

“It’s not me that needs to forgive you, boy.” Jeff’s voice faded.

***

“Jensen, if you can hear me,” Jared stroked his hand “listen, come back to me, wake up, please God let him wake up.” Jared’s tears landed on Jensen’s motionless skin.

***

“Jensen… Hear me… Come back… Wake up… Wake up…” The voice was almost familiar as it rang out through the lightening mist but Jensen turned away, searching deeper into his painful memories.

 

Part 9

After the first few days Jared had been allowed to come and go when he pleased. The nurses didn’t really have time to watch him constantly and they were mostly crushing on him anyway. Whispers of “Such a waste!” went round the nurses station as they contemplated the mysteriously beautiful unconscious patient and his equally gorgeous partner. Some of the girls entertained fantasies about turning him straight, men were usually attracted to a woman in uniform. Sadly for them Jared only had eyes for Jensen, although he made good use of his dimples when trying to get something he wanted.

Jensen’s health insurance cover was good enough to allow him a private room, for at least the next few weeks, until a decision had to be made. Until they knew whether he was likely to wake up any time soon. Jared brought in flowers for him every couple of days, CD's and DVD's from Jensen‘s collection, even some of Jensen’s paints and clay. He’d been told that familiar sounds and smells might help to bring Jensen out of his state. So far there wasn’t much of a response.

Mostly Jared just talked to him. Told him what was going on outside, read to him from the papers, and told him about his own life. Jared realised he didn’t know enough about Jensen to update him on his friends and family but the doctors reassured him that just the sound of Jared’s voice would help. Luckily for Jensen, Jared was one hell of a talker!

Jared learnt every line of Jensen’s face in minute detail. Every tiny freckle, every long eyelash in its place. The contours of Jensen’s warm but unmoving hands became more familiar to him than his own. He stopped short of bathing Jensen but he would shave his face every few days to keep him from looking like a castaway.

Occasionally while Jared was talking, Jensen’s eyelids would flutter and his eyes would move rapidly beneath them as if he was seeing something, as if he was dreaming. At first Jared got excited and started calling Jensen to wake up, come back. After the first couple of times though he realised it wasn’t a sign of Jensen coming to, but he didn’t give up hope.

***

“So, let’s see what’s in the news today….” Jared had the paper spread across Jensen’s legs while he held Jensen’s hand and stroked it with his thumb. “Politics, politics, religion, Iraq… Let’s see, I know you’re probably into all this shit but you know what, I want gossip.” Jared smiled at Jensen and squeezed his hand. “Ah! Here we go. Lindsey Lohan arrested for drink driving, you remember that? We read it the other day. Says here she was sentenced to 90 days in prison as punishment. Ooh man, that’s gotta be hard for her, can you imagine what she’ll have to go through? No personal stylist, no all night partying. And the jumpsuit?” Jared played up the role of camp gossip, reading through the day’s news.

As visiting hours drew to a close Jared ignored the people drifting slowly through the corridors, leaving their loved-ones for the night. He shifted the chair so it was as close as possible to Jensen’s bed and took Jensen’s hand in both his own. He talked quietly to Jensen about his daydreams of their life together in the future, his plans for who they would be and how they would live. When he drifted off to sleep with his head on Jensen’s arm the night shift nurse covered him with a soft blanket and shut the door quietly behind her.

***

“… Two dogs, you get to name one and I get to name the other one… mine’s gonna be called Marley, or Harley. Something like that…” The familiar voice was back, Jensen was happy to hear it, he listened as it faded in and out. “Anyway… Gonna finish my course and get a job in medical research… buy a big house together near a small town but with lots of land. Plenty of room for your studio. We’ll have dinner parties and barbeques… everyone will look forward to coming over to see us… Parents will love you… I will too.”

He couldn’t quite remember who the voice belonged to but it sounded so good, every day the voice was a little stronger, a little clearer. Every day it came back and reminded him of another life.

Jensen began to wait for the voice, in the mist he heard other voices, faint and scratchy. Some of them called to him, some of them taunted him, mostly they just whispered nonsense phrases that he couldn‘t understand. Jeff’s voice was a constant presence, it only eased when the familiar stranger spoke to him. He began to yearn for the times that Jeff’s jeering insults would stop and the voice would come and tell him what was going on outside, even if most of it was gibberish to him.

Sometimes there were smells too, he caught the scent of flowers, coffee. Once he caught a hint of something so familiar it made him ache, but he had no idea what it was. An earthy smell, it made him think of squeezing something, moulding it in his hands. As soon as he’d noticed it the smell was gone, he was alone again with only Jeff‘s voice for company and he retreated into the gloomy mist.

Each time he felt himself come closer to the edges of the mist he was dragged back in by Jeff’s voice. Jeff reminded him repeatedly of what he’d done. Told him there was no escaping his fate.

Sometimes Jeff was actually there. Not just his voice, but his body, his form would appear in front of Jensen, shrouded in mist but still unmistakeably Jeff. When Jensen tried to touch him Jeff would walk away into the deepening mist and Jensen would be trapped right at the heart of it again, tormented by the sound of Jeff‘s anger all around him.

Jensen felt a soft weight settle on his arm and he looked down. There was nothing there but he realised that he’d also been feeling a strange stroking sensation on the back of his hand, it had stopped now and its absence left him feeling lonely and abandoned.

***

Some hours later Jared was ordered home by a matronly looking nurse. The puppy dog eyes and huge dimples had no effect on her and he skulked home to wash and sleep.

***

Jeff was back but this time he hadn‘t said a word.

Jensen cowered on his knees in the fog, begging forgiveness, pleading for Jeff to just put him out of his misery, once and for all. “Please Jeff, just let me die, I want to die.” Jensen was desperate.

“You’re not going to die Jensen, you’re going to live with this.”

“I’m sorry Jeff, forgive me. I didn’t know what I was doing.”

Jeff laughed “Boy, I told you, I can’t forgive you. It’s not up to me.” His tone said so much more, even if he could forgive Jensen, he wouldn’t.

Jensen despaired and prayed, if Jeff couldn’t forgive him then only God could, and maybe then he could just be at peace.

***

Jared returned to the hospital a few hours later, with a fresh batch of coffee in a flask.

He placed the flask on the table and took a good look at Jensen. His eyelids were fluttering wildly and his skin was damp with sweat. Jared wiped his brow with a cool damp cloth and took hold of Jensen’s hand.

“It’s okay Jensen, I’m here. Take it easy Jensen.” He soothed, encasing Jensen’s hand in his own.

Jensen’s fingers fluttered.

***

Finally desperate and tired of crying, Jensen got mad. Lunging at Jeff’s retreating form he felt the weight beneath his hands and dragged him to the floor. Jensen turned him over quickly and was shocked to see his own green eyes staring back at him.

“I can’t forgive you Jensen.” The mist-Jensen stared back at him, somehow Jeff‘s broad shoulders became his own slim ones, Jeff‘s gruff voice became his own.

“…Okay Jensen. I’m here…” The mist form was gone suddenly as the voice returned. Jensen’s hands were holding nothing.

The familiar voice broke through just as Jensen grasped what he had to do. The realisation dawned on him like a cool hand brushing his worries away.

“I have to forgive myself.” He whispered.

***

Jensen’s eyes fluttered again and Jared looked up to find the call button, when he heard the whispered “forgive myself” he looked down again. Jensen’s eyes were still closed but his fingers gripped Jared’s tightly.

“Come on Jensen! Wake up! Please Jensen, please!” Hope flooded Jared’s chest, and as Jensen slowly opened his eyes, Jared’s tears took away his first sight of the green eyes he’d prayed he’d one day see again.

 

Part 10

The first thing he saw as he opened his eyes was a fat teardrop falling towards him. It landed on his face and mingled with the sweat on his own brow. “You’re back! Thank God! Jensen, thank God! I need a nurse in here goddamn it!” The voice, that voice, it was him. Jensen tried to focus on the man’s face but his vision was blurring and he couldn’t concentrate too hard without getting sharp pains in his head. He decided to just listen to the excited voice, the same man he’d been hearing every day. The man was shouting excitedly for someone to come in and help him.

Jensen swallowed and tried to speak, to ask the man who he was, what had happened, but his mouth wouldn’t form the words, his throat was rough and raw. He tried again and managed “What ha-” before his throat closed again and he felt himself slipping away.

“Jensen, come back, wake up, shit! NURSE! Dammit!” The voice was agitated but Jensen felt calm as true unconsciousness claimed him.

***

“I do understand Mr. Padalecki, I’m sure he was awake as you say, but the fact is that he is not now and I can‘t just wake him up again, that‘s not how this works.” The doctor was infuriating and Jared started to interrupt, however he had clearly dealt with angry family members before. “Mr. Padalecki, recovery from a comatose state can take quite some time. It is an excellent sign that Mr. Ackles has opened his eyes, that he has tried to speak, but he has been out now for three weeks. It’ll take some time before he is fully recovered. That’s if he even makes a full recovery. Please be patient, this is not a movie, this is real life.” The doctor was firm.

Jared was frustrated but heartened by the doctor’s words. “Okay, okay. I guess you’re right, you’re the doctor. Look doc, be honest with me, how long do you think before he’s ok?”

“Honestly? We don’t know, could be a few days or it could be a lot longer. It might even be that he never regains his full pre-incident brain capacity. In which case he may never return to a fully active life. However his recent scan results have shown a very good recovery to the damaged brain tissue, with any luck a little further rest is all he needs. Be patient, he needs you at your best right now.”

The doctor’s words soothed him a little further and Jared thanked him before settling in again for the evening. He was filled with hope as he stroked Jensen’s arm and prayed quietly once more.

***

Jared woke up resting on Jensen’s arm again and looked straight up as soon as he wiped the sleep out of his eyes. Jensen was staring back at him, looking far more alert than the day before. “Jensen? Can you hear me?” The doctor had told him what to say.

“Who… Who are you?” His voice was thick and rough.

“Doesn’t matter, have some water.” Jared had been warned that Jensen would be confused and disoriented for a few days at least and he knew he hadn’t been in his life long enough for Jensen to recognise him straight away. He gave Jensen tiny sips of water until the tiny cup was empty. Jensen rested his head back and Jared pressed the call button. “How do you feel?” He asked.

“So tired. What happened?” Jensen’s eyes were starting to close again.

“You’re okay now, you’re safe, you’re okay, don’t worry.” Jared soothed until Jensen was once again out cold.

He woke twice more that day, each time for a little longer. The doctors told Jared that now he was in a more sleep-like state rather than being comatose, apparently he was healing quickly and showing good signs of recovery.

***

On the third day Jensen was awake for a full half hour. Jared got there when he’d already been awake for a few minutes, the nurses were trying to calm him but he was demanding to know what had happened. Jared walked in and the matronly nurse turned to him. “Thank God you’re here. Maybe you can explain it to him.” They left in a hurry and Jared cursed their lack of professionalism.

As he looked back at Jensen he understood why they’d had such a hard time. Jensen was in tears and he was pulling at the various drips and monitor wires attached to his skin. “Help me?” He begged.

Jared moved swiftly to his side and put a soothing hand on Jensen’s head. “Shhh Jensen, it’s okay, shhh. Take it easy. I… I’ll try to explain but you have to leave the wires alone okay? If you don‘t I‘ll have to get the nurses back, ‘kay?” Jared spoke to him like a child in a soft clear voice, he felt bad for doing it but it worked as Jensen sat back and nodded, still looking worried but no longer tugging at the needles in his skin.

Where to start? “Jensen, my name is Jared. I’d been working with you for just over a week when you got hurt. We… Uh, well I don’t know, something was going on between us, and it got a bit… weird. You left me a message, it was… Uh… Kinda scary, I guess? I could tell you were in a bad way so I came over to check on you… And I… I found you…” Jared’s voice cracked and he swallowed hard to stop the tears. “You were on the floor, the doctors said you lost a lot of blood. Your wrists…” He had to stop talking or Jensen would see him break down, that was the last thing he wanted.

Jensen looked down at his lightly bandaged wrists, he could feel a dull pain where the skin had been opened and was now stitched together. He must have slept through the worst of it but the throb told him that Jared’s words were true. “I’m sorry” he said softly. “I wouldn’t want you to have to see that. I don’t know what I was thinking. I don’t really remember much yet but I know your voice. I heard you talking… You were the voice. You kept me sane…” Jensen’s words were whispered as he struggled to stay awake. “Stay with me…” Jensen’s eyes closed but his fingers gripped Jared’s and his thumb stroked the back of Jared’s big hand.

“It’s okay Jensen, I’m not leaving you. I won’t go.” Jared settled in and started talking again until he felt Jensen’s fingers go slack and his breathing slowed. When the nurses tried to kick him out he told them in no uncertain terms that he wasn’t going anywhere. He’d dealt with their mess and now they’d have to handle the fallout.

 

***

Jensen woke up once more that evening and his mind was so much clearer. Jared was asleep in the armchair and a small nurse was checking Jensen’s chart.

“Mr. Ackles, you’re awake again.” The nurse moved from the end of the bed to his side. “How are you feeling?” She was sweet and he could see genuine concern in her eyes.

Jensen cleared his throat. “I’m okay. Thirsty.” The nurse held the water cup and straw up so that he could take a drink. “Thanks. Please… Can you tell me, who’s that man?”

The nurse laughed. “That’s your grumpy boyfriend, Jared. Don’t you recognise him? That’s okay you know, it usually comes back after a few days but you might not recognise people at first.”

“I… I don’t know. I kinda recognise some things about him.” Jensen sighed. “Not much though. It’s weird.”

The nurse patted him on the shoulder. “He loves you, you know. He’s been here for hours and hours every day since you came in. We’ve had to drag him out of here most nights. He’s the one who brought you the flowers.” She gestured towards the fresh bouquet on the side table. “He even shaved you, we stopped short of letting him bathe you though!” She chuckled. “He brought you the papers, called your friends. He’s…” She looked at Jared with unmistakeable envy. “…The perfect boyfriend. You’re a lucky guy Mr. Ackles.” She left to get the doctor to check Jensen’s GCS responses and administer some basic reflex tests.

Jensen looked over at Jared’s relaxed face, quietly snoring he was beautiful, and he was a life-saver. Jensen felt something stir in his chest, almost like a pain, but sweeter. He drifted off with a small smile lifting the corners of his lips.

***

On the fourth morning Jensen awoke feeling clearer and more focused. He saw Jared coming in through the door, last night’s rumpled clothes hugged his tall frame and he was carrying two steaming cups of coffee. Jensen’s stomach rumbled at the bitterly smooth smell and Jared grinned.

“Figured you could do with some caffeine buddy.”

Jensen lifted a hand and took the cup from Jared, he blew on the hot coffee and smiled. “Thanks Jared, thought you’d left me for a minute there.”

Jared looked at him intently “I won’t be leaving you Jensen, not again.”

“Good.” Jensen’s smile was mischievous. “I could do with my own personal model around the place. Maybe when your studies are done you can come and see me more often huh?”

Jared’s eyes filled up again, “You remember!” He whispered.

 

Part 11

Jared visited him for the next two weeks while he recovered under the hospital‘s care. Every day Jensen looked forward to his visit. Slowly he remembered every detail of the days before his hospitalisation and he recalled the depth of the feelings he’d discovered for the model.

What he couldn’t know was whether one of his friends or relatives had told Jared about Jensen’s past, even whether he’d said something in his sleep that might have given him away. He agonised over whether to tell Jared and what to say. In the end the decision was made for him. Jared had become a lot more forward in the last few weeks, he’d dealt with countless nurses and doctors trying to shoo him out of Jensen’s room, he was not about to let Jensen keep it all bottled up inside. Not if they were to have the relationship he wanted.

“So.” Jared started forcefully and Jensen knew what was coming instantly. “When you gonna tell me then, Jensen?”

“Tell you what, Jay?” Jensen decided to play dumb.

“Jen, come on. You’ve gotta tell me what happened. What made you do it?” Jared knew he had to be strong now, it was time to push a little, or else he might never know the truth.

“Ahh Jay, do we have to have this talk now? Can’t it wait?”

“I’m sorry, it can’t.” Jared stroked his hand gently, the physical contact meant to soothe him.

Jensen sighed. “You’re right, I’m the one who should be sorry. I owe you an explanation after what you‘ve been through for me. I just… It’s hard to talk about.” He looked up and saw understanding in Jared’s eyes. “There’s so much I have to tell you. I don’t want… I want to try and make you understand what happened. I don’t want to lose you now, when all this has brought us closer together… I -”

Jared stopped him with a word. “Idiot.”

“Yeah okay. I know, I know.” Jensen laughed sheepishly. “You keep saying you’re not going anywhere. I just gotta believe you. This is hard for me Jay. My friends and family know what happened because… I guess because it was on the news, in the papers. I’ve never really told them about it. Just sorta left them think whatever they wanted to, y’know?”

Jared nodded. “Mmhmm.”

“So, Nina told you about Jeff?”

“She said he was your ex, but that was all she’d say. I figured he was the guy in the photo in your room?”

“Yeah that’s right. He was married to Nina.” He looked at Jared’s face. “I know, bit of a shock yeah?”

Jared’s mouth was hanging open. “Uh… Yeah!” He nodded hard.

“I, I guess I kinda stole him from her. I wanted him so bad, turned out he wanted me too. I was his first gay relationship. It was amazing at first. I’d never met someone who got me so completely, y’know? We liked the same music, same films and stuff. And he was a cop, man. He had this amazing uniform… Anyway, so he divorced Nina, it was really bad, they didn’t have kids yet but they’d been trying. It was such a mess. We moved into an apartment together, it was a bit like my place, I had a studio. It was… It was almost perfect, for a while there.” Jensen stopped and Jared made encouraging noises. “Until… Until the guys at work found out, they started to tease him. They were so bad. He’d go out drinking after work with them like he always used to and every time it would turn to them calling him ‘queer’ or a ‘fag’. They were ok guys but they just wouldn’t let it drop. He… Uh, he took it out on me.”

Jensen looked up and met Jared’s gaze. “Jen, what did he do?”

“Honestly Jared? I don’t wanna tell you, and I can’t tell you all of it. But I can say this, he beat me so many times I lost count. I… He broke half the bones in my body, or it felt like that anyway. Sometimes he… He got… I can’t Jay I’m sorry.”

“It’s ok Jen, tell me what you can, you don’t have to say any more, I get it.” Jared’s eyes were filling up again as he heard what Jensen had been through.

As Jensen spoke again, Jared strained to hear him. “Sometimes he’d get… Excited. And… He’d, he would, he raped me. I begged him not to. It was like he wasn’t even there, his eyes were almost black -”

“Jeez Jensen, I’m so sorry. You don’t have to tell me all this. I’m sorry babe, forget about it. It’s okay.” Jared’s brow wrinkled as his eyebrows came together in a worried frown.

“No, Jay. No I have to tell you this now or I’ll never get it out.” Jensen inhaled deeply. “One night he came home late, drunk. I tried to get away, sometimes if I locked myself in the bathroom he’d pass out. I was too slow. He tried to fuck me in the kitchen but he could tell I wasn’t into it. He got real angry, trashed the place and beat me hard. I was… on the floor. He said he was gonna kill me, I was so fucking scared Jay -”

Jensen was sobbing now and Jared made calming noises. “It’s okay, Jensen, it’s alright. You can stop babe, anytime you want.”

Jensen took another deep breath and went on. “He was leaning over me, I tried to get away but I couldn’t. I grabbed behind me for a pan or something to fight him off with, I got a handle and lashed out at him… Jay you gotta understand I was desperate, I would never have hurt him, I just knew I had to get away… It wasn’t a pan Jay.” Jensen was whispering now and Jared leaned in to hear him. Jensen looked him in the eye. “It was a knife. He… He bled out on the kitchen floor.” Jensen put his head in his hands.

Jared sucked in a deep breath. “Jensen, oh my God, oh God.”

Jensen looked up with despair in his eyes. “You can leave if you want. I’ll understand.”

“No! Jensen you don’t get it. I’m so fucking sorry. I had no idea. You must have gone through so much shit. I’m so sorry, Jen. I’m not gonna leave you over this.”

“You should Jay. But you should also know I’ll never hurt another soul again, not if I can help it.” Jensen’s face was intense in his sincerity. “You have my word I’ll never hurt you.”

“Jen, it was self-defence. I know he was your lover and I don’t want you pissed at me but Jen, he deserved it. You didn’t do anything wrong. You know that, right?” Jared was gripping Jensen’s hand tight and he’d moved to sit on the side of the bed so he could impress his point on Jensen face to face.

“I’m starting to realise that, Jay. It’s taken me a long time to get there, but yeah. I think you’re right. I guess what I need to know is whether you still wanna spend time with me, if you want to be friends with me now, you know?” Jensen tried not to look as if the answer was too important but Jared knew what this meant to him.

Jared looked at him for a few seconds, his evil streak coming out as he tormented Jensen with the pause. Jared slowly moved forward, allowing Jensen to see his intentions as he took his time to reach Jensen’s lips. This kiss was nothing like their first heated clash of lips and tongue, Jared's hands were either side of Jensen's hopeful face. Jared tilted his head to the right and took Jensen’s lower lip between his two, then moved to take Jensen’s top lip agonisingly slowly. He put his unspoken feelings into it and as he pulled back he looked Jensen straight in the eye. Jensen smiled as he knew that Jared wanted so much more than to just be friends.

***

By the time Jensen was allowed to leave the hospital he was itching to get home. Mike and Tom had been in to visit, Nina had even stopped by a couple of times but he couldn’t wait to get back to familiar surroundings and get back to pulling his life together again.

The nurses made him use a wheelchair.

Jensen wasn’t happy to say the least, but Jared was loving it. He wheeled Jensen over to the nurses so they could say their goodbyes (and swoon a little at the sight of the two gorgeous men bickering with each other over the wheelchair). Then took him down in the lift, leaning over the back of the chair to kiss Jensen's neck. “Can’t wait ‘til we get you home!” Jared growled.

 

Part 12

Jensen was adamant about the wheelchair. It was staying at the hospital. Jared begged, cajoled, ordered, begged again. The older man’s stubbornness won out in the end.

By the time they reached Jensen’s building he was flagging. Jared paid the taxi and ran around to the opposite door to help him out. Jensen batted him away, grumpy and fed up of being treated like an invalid, he stood slowly and walked unaided towards the door. As Jensen stumbled and his legs threatened to give in Jared was suddenly there, strong arms surrounded him and he buried himself in the taller man’s shoulder.

“Okay babe, we’re going upstairs and you are going to rest. I don’t care what you say. Just for today, just lemme take care of you Jen. You need it and I’m not taking no for an answer.” Jared supported him into the elevator and kissed him softly as they climbed the floors, holding him up against the elevator wall.

Jensen’s knees were weak as they reached his floor. He staggered again in his haste to get home, into familiar surrounding. Jared smiled and scooped him up under the knees and behind the shoulders. He protested weakly but allowed himself to be carried to the couch. Jared laid him down with infinite tenderness. As the sculptor’s eyes closed, Jared smoothed the sweat off his brow and tucked a pillow under his head.

***

A couple of hours later he awoke to the smell of freshly brewed coffee. Jared was changing the sheets on the bed and he’d opened all the windows to air the place out. Jensen tried hard to be mad, the last thing he wanted was for the younger man to have to take care of him this much. But it was pointless, Jared bounced in with a huge grin on his face. “You’re up! I made coffee, and I got us some bagels. Figured you’d be pretty hungry.” He sat up and swung his feet off the couch to get up. Jared was quickly kneeling between his legs, face to face with him. “Nuh-uh You’re not getting up yet.” Jared’s hands were firmly on his hips, tethering him in place.

“Come on, Jay. I’m not a baby.” He was petulant and it just made Jared more determined to treat him like a child.

“Look Jen, if you let me take care of you today I promise tomorrow we’ll do whatever you want okay? Monday I gotta get back to class so we got today and tomorrow together then I can’t come round ‘til Tuesday night. I don’t wanna waste this time arguing with you. Okay?”

Jensen huffed. “’kay.”

Jared laughed and bounded off to pour out the coffee and toast the bagels.

That night they slept together for the first time. Just kissing gently, Jared stopped Jensen’s wandering hands and within a few minutes he was asleep again. His face peacefully resting in the crook of Jared’s shoulder.

***

The next morning Jensen awoke alone. For a moment he was uncertain, reaching out to feel the empty space. As he heard the water running in the bathroom he let out a breath he hadn’t meant to hold onto.

Jared crawled back into bed and wrapped himself around Jensen’s warm body. He buried his face in soft dark blond hair and mumbled “So, what d’ya wanna do today, babe?”

Jensen smiled, what he really wanted was to go on a date with Jared. To start this like it was a normal relationship, pretend that none of this had happened. “I want you to go home.”

He was confused. “Oh Jen, I’m sorry. I’ve been here all night and you wanted some space?”

He started to move away but Jensen grabbed him close again. “No, you idiot. I want you to go home, take a shower, get changed. I’m gonna call you later and we’re going out. On a date.”

“Oh! Oh I get it!” Jared’s face lit up and Jensen knew he’d made the right call.

As he left he asked again if Jensen was okay, would he manage ‘til later? Jensen shooed him out of the door promising he was fine.

Jared left with a huge smile plastered on his face.

***

Jared sat in his most snug fitting jeans. A soft dark V-neck tee draped over his toned chest and arms. He waited nervously with the phone in his hand and almost dropped it when it vibrated and rang.

He cleared his throat. “Jared Padalecki.” He answered nervously.

“Jared, hi. It’s Jensen Ackles, we met the other day...”

“Um hi Jensen. How’s it going? Jen this is weird.” He couldn’t help it.

“Shush Jay.” Jensen got back into character. “I’m great thanks, listen I was wondering if you wanted to go out for coffee today, maybe catch a movie with me?”

He played along although it felt strange. “Hmm, I don‘t know. I‘ve got a very busy schedule today… Oh okay then. Where shall I meet you?” Jared was excited as they arranged to meet at his favourite café.

***

Jensen was waiting for him in the back. Irrational nerves filled his belly as he wondered how this would go. Stupidly it felt like a real date even after all they’d already been through together.

Jared walked in and spied him sat in the back facing the door and nursing a huge mug. Jensen stood as he saw Jared approach, nerves suddenly dissipating as the gigantic model shyly made his way forward.

“Jay, good to see you. Sit down, you want a coffee?” He had already decided how he was going to play this, he was being a gentleman, the least he could do after everything Jared had done for him.

“Sure, I’ll grab a-” Jared made to get up again but Jensen gently pushed him back down.

“Sit down Jay!” He laughed. “This one’s on me.”

They talked about favourite films, music, their families, interests, hobbies. It was perfect.

Jensen let Jared choose the movie, he chose an action film they both didn’t mind watching and Jensen got them popcorn, hotdogs, nachos and M&Ms. Luckily Jared was hungry as usual.

Jared’s clammy hands rested on his thighs. For some reason despite the closeness he’d shared with the sculptor recently he just didn’t feel right grabbing him here in the darkened theatre. He was intensely aware of the warmth radiating from the other man’s arm and knee where they lightly touched against his own.

Jensen let him stew for a little while before placing his hand over Jared’s and lifting it onto the armrest, they held hands like teenagers for the rest of the show.

***

At Jensen’s door Jared’s nerves returned, despite the fact that he was already holding hands with the sculptor. They were outside the building and the sky was getting dark. Jensen pulled him in close and reached his other hand up to cup the back of his head, pulling him down into a firm, heady kiss.

“Coming in for a coffee?” Jensen’s eyes were dark in the shadows.

Jared grinned. “Why, Mr. Ackles, I’m not that kind of girl!” He laughed and moved in for a longer kiss.

***

They stepped out of the elevator, hair mussed, clothes rumpled, coffee forgotten. They made it to the couch and sank down, Jared on top, clothes on, they kissed deeply and fumbled around until Jensen gently pushed Jared’s face up.

“Jay, do you want-”

“Yes, yes.” Jared’s pupils were wide and Jensen could feel his arousal as the model’s erection pressed tightly against his own.

He laughed. “You didn’t even let me finish. How do you know what I was going to say? I might have asked if you wanted a foot massage. Do you?”

Jared grinned. “You want what I want. Don’t you?”

“I thought you didn’t do that on a first date?” He teased.

“Jen, I can’t wait for this. Please stop messing around, please can we?” Jared was pleading for him and his body responded in kind.

“Bedroom.” His voice was thick and gruff. Jared was off him in a second and almost naked in a minute.

Jared lay on the bed on his back, resting up on his elbows, underwear still on. Jensen had seen him naked before, studied him in fact, but this was different. He was clearly eager to get on with it but Jensen wanted something different, no quickie tonight. This was going to be the most sensual sex Jared had ever experienced, he would make sure there were no hasty moves, no regrets tomorrow morning.

He stopped in the doorway, about to lift his shirt, he let the hem drop back down. “Jay, there’s something I have to warn you about before we -”

“Jen, I’ve seen you.”

“What? When?”

“In the hospital. The nurses, assumed we were…Uh… They bathed you in front of me, but only once. I told them not to do it again but it was a bit too late by then.” Jared tried to explain.

“So… You already know?”

“I know Jen. I’ve seen the scars. You’re beautiful, babe. You never have to hide yourself from me. Come over here.” Jared patted the bed and he slowly moved forward, shedding his shirt and jeans along the way. He stood at the side of the bed and Jared swung his legs over so they were either side of Jensen’s, his head at chest height, hands in the small of Jensen’s back, he kissed along the rawest angry pink line of scar tissue that ran along the sculptor’s collarbone. “Beautiful.” He whispered.

Jensen wondered how this amazing man had come into his life before pulling Jared’s face up to meet his own. His tongue parted those soft lips and he licked them slowly, feeling the model arch his back in response. His hands moved into long dark hair and travelled over his broad shoulders. Jared’s mouth opened wide and his tongue probed deep into Jensen’s full warm mouth, then returned to lick the inner wetter part of Jensen’s lips. He moaned and sucked at Jared’s lower lip, pulling it into his mouth and flicking his tongue along its length.

Jared groaned as he imagined that tongue travelling further down his body. The sound sent shivers through Jensen and he pulled back. “Jay, do you want me?” He had to ask, had to be certain.

“Yes, please, so much.” Jared was losing the presence of mind to speak straight. “Please, take me.”

“No Jay, I’m not gonna just take you. I’m not gonna fuck you. We’ll do this slow, it might take all night. I just need to know that you’re ready.”

“Ready, Jen, I’m ready.” Jared crawled onto the bed, ass in the air, on his hands and knees.

Jensen laughed. “Jay, I told you, we’re taking it slow. Lay down, on your front.” He was puzzled but he did as Jensen asked. Jensen pulled down Jared’s boxers, without touching his erection. The model moaned at the feel of his taught flesh against cool clean sheets. Jensen stepped back and removed his own underwear. Reaching into the bedside drawer he pulled out a condom and an unopened bottle of play-gel and squeezed out a generous dollop between his hands, warming it.

Jensen straddled his legs at the top of the thigh and leaned forward so their bodies were almost touching, the heat from Jared’s skin warming his own. He stroked Jared’s neck with his slick hands, whispering “relax, Jay” into his ear. He massaged the model’s tense shoulders and arms before easing down to his lower back, firm smooth strokes like he was moulding Jared from his favourite clay. As he moved lower still Jared’s breath caught in his throat “Not yet babe, relax.” Jensen caressed his ass softly but made no move to part him. Turning around Jensen massaged the backs of his legs, down to his feet and back up.

He was ready. So ready. Couldn’t understand why Jensen was teasing him. Surely the foreplay couldn’t go on any longer? His cock ached to be touched and he sighed in relief as Jensen turned him over.

“Not yet.” Jensen’s arousal was more than evident, his cock leaking wet pre-come, balls tight to his body, but his self-control was impressive. He finished massaging Jared’s body, studiously avoiding his groin and finally, finally. When Jared thought he might just come anyway from the sheer agonising pleasure of those firm hands, he stopped.

Jared looked up eagerly. “Now?” His eyes were begging and Jensen fought the urge to just ravish him right there.

“Yes Jay, now.”

“Will it hurt?” Jared knew he would want to keep going even if it did but he needed to be prepared.

“Maybe a little babe, but we’ll go real slow, you tell me as soon as it hurts and we’ll stop, okay?” Jensen remembered his first time all too well and wanted something so different for Jared.

“Okay Jen.”

Jensen parted Jared’s legs and moved to kneel between them, lifting his ankles to rest on his own shoulders he squirted the warmed gel into his palm and coated his fingers. “Relax babe, take it nice and easy okay?” He stroked Jared’s entrance with a soft circling slick finger, gently upping the pressure until Jared accepted him with a groan. “You okay baby?”

“Mmm” Jared managed. “Mm.. More.”

Jensen once again fought the urge to pound himself deep into the model. “Okay Jay, relax again for me.” His finger eased gently in and out as Jared made incoherent sounds of pleasure and wriggled down against the pressure. Jensen smiled and eased up to the first knuckle of his second finger inside the hot tight opening. Jared gasped and he stopped.

“No! Don’t stop, please, please.” Jared cried out and Jensen pushed his second finger slowly all the way in, waiting to see if he was okay.

“Okay babe?” Jensen checked and the soft moans of happiness were all the answer he needed. He gently stretched Jared, adding plenty of lube, until a third finger fitted snugly in and he knew it was time.

“Jay, are you ready baby? I don’t want to hurt you.” Jensen tugged the condom over himself quickly, not wanting to touch himself too much.

“Yes, yes, oh God yes!” Jared looked up into Jensen’s eyes. “I want you, I need you.”

It was all that Jensen needed to hear as he placed the head of his sheathed cock at Jared’s entrance and slowly pushed his hips forward until the head was just inside the tight hole. He drew in a deep moaning breath and looked down to see if Jared was in pain.

Jared’s cock was visibly throbbing in front of him and the model’s head was thrown back, tiny gasps of pleasure escaping from his throat. Jensen took his oiled hand and lightly grasped Jared’s erection, slowly caressing him. He tried to thrust into the touch but Jensen held him down with his other hand. “Easy there baby, easy.” Jensen pushed his hips forward another deliberate inch and stroked the thick cock smoothly, still keeping the pressure light and teasing.

Jensen’s own satisfaction was second to Jared’s as far as he was concerned, but the wet tight warmth surrounding him was too much to resist and he pushed forward another couple of inches, angling his hips upwards to give Jared the maximum impact. Jared begged for him, and he gave in, easing himself in the final few inches until he was fully encased in Jared’s heat. He stopped moving to allow Jared to accommodate him, to get used to the fullness and get past the stretch.

Jared felt the pain but it was nothing compared to the tingling pleasure building inside him as Jensen filled him completely, a gasp escaped his lips and he tried to move against the older man, the need to let go was so strong.

Jared cried out again and this time Jensen let him thrust back a little until Jared bucked too wildly and he stopped him by letting go of the model’s cock. “Huh?” Jared was suddenly left wanting and Jensen took control again.

He took Jared more firmly this time, holding him tight and jerking him in time with his own rolling thrusts, the pressure built inside him as Jared’s cock twitched and throbbed in his hand. The sight of the younger man’s body stretched out in ecstasy before him was just too much, he lost control and pumped hard until he felt the hot wet spurts of Jared’s orgasm cover his hand and stomach. Jared’s cry was loud and so damn hot, Jensen let go and came, shuddering hard as his orgasm took over his body and he sank, blissfully, on top of his new lover.

Jared pulled him up and curved his own long smooth body around his new lover‘s back, long thick arms encased him in safety and Jensen slept without any fear, or regret, all through the night.

 

Epilogue

 _Jensen_

My heart is filled with joy and love as today I promise to cherish you, love you, comfort you and care for you. In sickness, in health, for better or for worse, through happiness and pain, until death do us part.

When you came into my life you made me face my past, face up to who I was. Just when I thought my life was over you brought me back from the edge with your unwavering support, you listened and understood, you fought for me like no-one ever had. I can never tell you how much that meant to me, but I hope that in your heart you already know.

Today I ask you to take my hand, to walk with me through whatever life can throw at us, safe in the knowledge that we will always have each other. Today I ask you to be my husband in front of our friends and family so that they may witness our love and celebrate our happiness. Today I promise you that there is nothing you can do or say that will make me leave you, there is nothing anyone can do to us that will change my love for you. I am yours forever.

 _Jared_

In my loneliest moments I dreamed of finding a love like ours. Today as I stand here with you in front of those closest to us, I know that I have finally found the one person who I will love and be loved by until the end of my days.

I promise to hold you, to love you, to be there for you. We will be together through the best times and the worst times, we will face whatever comes, hand in hand, stronger together, until death do us part.

When I found you I didn’t know at first that it was you I was looking for. When you reached for me, when you needed me, I knew then that there was no turning back. When you wanted me my heart was filled with blissful peace, and when you took me in your arms I knew I would be yours for the rest of my life.

Today I pledge my life to you, I promise that nothing you or anyone can say or do will defeat my love for you. I am yours forever.

***

Jensen looks up into Jared’s eyes and tears of contentment spill down his lightly freckled face. He places his ring on his new husband’s finger and their guests smile and try not to cry. Jared’s hands shake as he takes his own ring and eases it onto Jensen’s finger, he clasps his husband’s hand tightly and his own tears trickle onto his cheeks, into his dimples, created by his shy smile.

Their assembled friends and family surround them today, Jensen was certain he had driven so many of them away but they are here, showing him how much they care and that he will never lose them. As the boys walk back down the aisle hand in hand, their guests clap and cheer, showering them with confetti and words of love.

The reception is held in their sprawling garden, the landscaping is a little haphazard but the grounds are filled with Jensen’s beautiful creations, the centrepiece of them all being his first sculpture of Jared. For modesty the piece is covered with flowers in strategic places, now that Jared is his husband he figures the world doesn’t need to know what the model keeps inside his Calvins. Jared wells up every time he looks at the piece, Jensen’s love for him is clear in every line, he hopes he can live up to the admiration that is lavished upon him.

Jared’s modelling career has taken off, once he’d finished his studies Misha managed to book him a high profile job with a couture menswear company and he is becoming one of the most sought-after models on the agency’s books. Misha is convinced that Jared owes him for all his success but the truth is his happiness has given him a glow, a quality that cannot be replicated by so many other vacuous wannabes.

Jensen’s stock in the art world rose considerably after news of his hospitalisation and the reasons behind it. Perversely his self-harm actually increased the price of and demand for his pieces, the gallery displaying his work sold out within a week of his return home. Jensen is glad of this because he never wants to work on anything other than his husband from now on. He can’t wait to start a new piece dedicated to his partner, something he can display proudly - unfortunately it’ll have to have clothes on.

***

It’s five in the afternoon, they’ve snuck away to have some time alone together, the laughter of the guests floats in through the windows as Jensen snuggles in his husband’s arms on the huge squashy sofa they bought to fill up the new living room. Suit jackets and pants are carefully folded on a chair so they don’t crease, they are a tangle of limbs wearing just their shirts and boxers.

“I love you, baby.” Jared says softly into his husband’s hair.

“How much?”

“Loads and loads.” Jared chuckles as tiny tickly butterfly kisses rain down all over his face. It’s a little private joke, one of many now.

Jensen brushes crumbs of gooey chocolate cake away from his husband’s lips and his thumb is suddenly enveloped in Jared’s warm mouth. The naughty glint in Jared’s eyes sends a shiver down his spine and the guests outside are momentarily forgotten as they lose themselves to each other one more time.

***

Their first dance is at dusk, the huge pagoda is lit with hundreds of little fairy lights and the floor is strewn with ivory rose petals. Their guests gather outside to watch them as they gaze deep into each other’s eyes and move slowly to the music, the song ‘It feels like home to me’ says it all and Jensen can’t hold back the tears that fall once more for the love he has found.

***

That night after slow, sensual love-making Jared begs his husband to take him to the ASPCA the next day to pick out a puppy. Jensen pretends to umm and ahh over it for a while, letting his lover stew as long as possible, until the big sad eyes are just too much for him. “Okay baby, anything you want, you got.”

They finally drift off to sleep, warm and safe cuddled up together, the perfect end to an amazing day.


End file.
